The Winners Of 2024
Sam Sykes ~ 12/31/2024
It’s been quite a year. Like every other hack writer online, I am lazily putting together my top winners of 2024. And yes, I know it’s lame to add the Hawk Tuah chick and Raygun, but gimme a fucking break. I upload tons of sick content for all you fake-ass edgelords, so you can deal with it. Start your own site if you don’t like it.
Hawk Tuah Girl
She may be headed to jail at some point for her crypto-scam, but committing financial crimes is still a huge upgrade over being some random hick working at a spring factory. After her meteoric rise after describing spitting on a dick on some random dude’s YouTube channel, she’s really rebranded herself as a villain quite quickly. It’s not like she was going to have much staying power, but wow, that was fast. In less than three months, she started a useless podcast no one listens to, sued the guy that made her famous, and helped rugpullers scam investors out of millions. Again, still a win for a self proclaimed “crack baby” with a brutally low IQ.
Massage Boy: The Deshaun Watson Story
In his three seasons with the Cleveland Browns, Watson has a 9-10 record as starter with 19 touchdowns and 12 interceptions. In contrast, he started only six games as a rookie and threw for 19 touchdowns versus 8 interceptions making $3.46 million in the process. In his time playing for Cleveland he’s made $137,367,500 for subpar work, to say the least. I can imagine being a shitty employee, but I can’t believe he gets paid that much to suck balls. That’s why he’s a winner of 2024, he won the fucking lottery. And oh yeah, the Browns have committed to him as the starter in 2025. They might as well, they’ve guaranteed him another $100 million over the next two years.
Raygun
She may be the laughingstock of the 2024 Olympics, but she’s made out like a bandit. Who gives a shit about a few mean comments online, she’s spun pure fucking gold in appearances and TV deals. We’re all kind of winners now that she’s crushed breakdancing. It’s not a sport, and certainly not an Olympic one.
Vanity
It’s been fun to watch the soulless and superficial celebrities dominating our culture voluntarily waste away like AIDS patients in pursuit of beauty. Sucked in cheeks, big luminous teeth, and an unhealthy pastiness covering a pile of bones is how we’ll remember half the people occupying Hollywood this decade. Ozempicing themselves to death.
Hurricanes
What a great year for weather disasters! Hurricane Idalia in 2023 was really the only notable storm, and it was pretty mild by Florida standards. 2024 did not disappoint, Helene and Milton reminded us why we should all second guess moving to America’s basement.
Guys named Milton
Pretty self explanatory. It’s hard to come up with a more pussified name than fucking Milton, but now he’s got some danger behind him.
Got Dat Bridge Money Tho
What I wouldn’t do to be a Mayor, Councilman, or any other local politician in Baltimore right now. The amount of cash and payoffs these guys must be getting from the rebuild of the Francis Scott Key bridge. Billions in funding has already been allocated to the rebuild, for which I can guarantee… It’ll never get done.
WNBA Players
Everyone knows women's basketball is a pedantic joke. It probably only exists as a potential defense for when one of these billionaire owners gets in trouble for being sexist or groomer. Virtue insurance at best, useless slop at its worst. Even so, these players are making fucking bank and you can’t blame them for capitalizing. These ladies are so useful when it comes to advertising diversity quotas, with Caitlin Clark making over $10 million in sponsorships this year. Nevermind the $40 million in losses for the WNBA.
Coconut Trees
It’s not too often that coconut trees can make it to the forefront of American culture, but 2024 was different. Some Indian chick from Montreal inadvertently made the tropical tree a hilarious meme, while she attempted to convince Americans that she was a modest immigrant from a far away tropical land.
Indians
With the exception of Kamala’s loss in November, Indians are having the best year they’ve ever had in America or the west altogether. “India First” was even trending on X only a few weeks ago. Congrats to all the Hindu appointees, including the Vice President, government efficiency Czar, FBI director, DOJ Civil Rights Attorney, and the Director of national intelligence.
Taylor Swift
I hate her, but I gotta give her big props. She tripled her net worth (now $1.6 Billion) in the midst of her fake love affair with that retarded guy and her massive world tour. She gives hope to all the gangly girls with whiny attitudes and dysfunctional relationships out there.
