The Complete Car Buying Guide
Sam Sykes ~ 09/17/2024
Buying a car can be hard, and finding the right fit for you can be even more difficult. This is the most honest guide you’ll get to finding the perfect vehicle for you:
White Perverts Over 30-Years-Old
For these guys, I would recommend the timeless, the classy, white rape van. A cornerstone of American psychopath culture, buyers could seek out a Chevy Express, GMC Savana, or other similar models. Remember, the rustier the better, perfect for slow-rolling through neighborhoods and school zones.
Armenians
If you’re an Armenian-American looking to buy a new car with all that jewelry money, there’s only one way to go. A white BMW, 4-door sedan, all souped up with tinted windows and turbochargers. Driving way too fast and erratically on the highway is the only way to operate these little monsters. Every once and a while, another faux-luxury brand like a Lexus or Infiniti will be acceptable… As long as it’s white.
Douchebags And CrossFit Chicks
The ideal vehicle for these two groups has to be the good ole Hummer produced by General Motors. For the douchebags and the privately-educated, rich-kid, poser rappers, the Hummer is a great option to let everyone know that the bright yellow military vehicle is just the start of your unbearable personality. Different, but just as insufferable, CrossFit broads are a perfect fit for the world-famous hummer. They love projecting strength through swinging kettlebells and tattooing arm sleeves on their veiny, mannish arms, so why not double down and drive the most obnoxious automobile in town.
20-Year-Old Rednecks
The backwards Bass Pro Shops hat, shirtlessness, chewing tobacco, and freedom-loving personality is best paired with a pickup truck lifted all the way up and equipped with giant tires. Lit up undercarriages and American flags waving in the wind is the ideal way to show the bitch-ass hybrids that you can and will run them off the road. They leave us in a plume of black smoke as they tear off to the nearest truck meetup, river party, or gun show.
The Ghetto Option
No power steering, a black rim, a white replacement door, 8 people in the car, and scraping on every road imperfection or 5-degree slope, the classic, gray, 2005 generic 4-door economy sedan is another cornerstone of American life. It’s always a miracle to see these cars still kicking. There are generally plumes of pot-smoke pouring out with the vibrations of the bass. Often seen on the side of the highway with a shirt hanging out of the window, or a cop car behind it, if you are looking for a stressful time on the road, this is the car for you.
Old Spinster Bitches
There’s lots of EV and Hybrid cars on the market these days, but only the Toyota Prius can call itself the official car of bitchy, old environmentalists. We all know these ladies, short gray hair, red rimmed glasses, shit fashion, and an energetically weird demeanor. They are the aunt all of your lame teenage chick cousins love, but the relative everyone else in the family fucking hates. Constantly commandeering the conversation to steer the discussions into esoteric political causes like supporting local dog shelters or legalizing medically-assisted death. A “coexist” sticker is usually the cherry on top for these ladies.
Quintessential Indian Nerds and White IT Guys
The best car for these guys to match their oxford shirts, phone holsters, and ID badges, and their nerdy pharmaceutical jobs to, is obviously, the Tesla. They don’t care about the shitty range, they aren’t roadtripping anytime soon and they don’t have families they have to shuttle all over town. They just need to go to and from work, with the occasional stop at the grocery store to pick up more minute rice and frozen dinners. If you’re a techie, this is the only car for you.
Upper-Middle Class Moms
Minivans are for the poor underclasses, with their gaggle of children, poor dental hygiene, and trailer parks. The refined ladies of the suburbs would never subject themselves to such trash. They didn’t marry the fat, bald finance guy and have an IVF monster baby for the fun of it. They wanna get paid, son! The nannies can raise the kids as these ladies bounce from cosmetic surgery appointments to luxury handbag stores in style. The big unnecessary SUV complements the inflated and overpriced egos of these high-class prostitutes.
Rich College Chicks
We all know that 20-year-old girls are really good drivers… so why not give them a vehicle with probably the worst roll rating possible. The Jeep Wrangler is a fun way for Dads to show that their daughters' pussy is open for business, and they can afford an abortion. Adding a Salt Life sticker to the back is usually added to double down on the faux-adventurous Instagram lifestyle. If these broads don’t settle down in their 20s, they can always trade in the Wrangler for a sprinter van, traveling the country with their two cats and showering at Planet Fitness. #Vanlife
Dead Teenagers
No seatbelt? No problem! If you like stressing out your parents and not living past 19, motorcycles are the way to go. The only thing cooler than popping a wheelie as you peel out of the parking lot is when you spray your brains all over a school bus. Besides the funeral costs (which you’re not on the hook for anyways), motorcycles are very low cost. Cheap to buy, great mileage, and no need to repair after a collision, you won’t find a more cost-effective item on this list.
WATCH OUT DEALERS HERE WE COME!
