The 1st Annual Riot Club Awards
Sam Sykes ~ 1/3/2025
The most elegant night of awards season. January 3rd, 2025. Who will take home a coveted Orange Solo Cup? We’ve all heard of the Oscars, the Emmys, the Razzies, and Cannes, but only a select few get to raise the beautiful Orange Solo Cup Trophy known as a roofie. Please join me in welcoming me to this year's Roofie Awards winners presented by Riot Club Magazine.
Stage Five Clinger Award - Elon Musk
He’s like the one night stand that never goes away. After President Trump was shot in July, Elon Musk quickly involved himself in the presidential race. He was a huge reason why Trump won, but has become increasingly weird, smothering, possessive, and clingy towards Trump. He’s like the kid in school you made a mistake of saying hi to, and now he follows you around wherever you go. How Trump doesn’t show he’s annoyed by Elon’s weird “hanger on” behavior is beyond me. It’s creepy as hell.
Harvey Weinstein Memorial Award - Diddy
Yeah, I know Weinstein isn’t actually dead, but he may as well be. The whole world has turned its back on the former producer, mainly because he made it harder for guys to get blowjobs from young chicks trying to make it. Anyways, Diddy wins this year's HW award for sexual insanity. I guess he banged some sluts and that wasn’t cool because he has money or something. All I know is baby oil will never be the same.
Oddest Couple Award - Ariana Grande And That Alien-Looking Black Chick
We all have that alternative friend that tells everyone the black is actually hot to gain some rebel points, but let’s be real, she looks fucking weird. Ariana Grande is doing much better in the looks department, but still looks like a 60-year-old, has an odd little kid voice, and looks like she suffers from a rare muscle-wasting disease. Who could forget when these ladies went on the Wicked media tour and amazed us all with their made up buzzwords, gingerly touching, and deeply emotional stupidity.
Groupthink Slop Award - Mangione’s Chicks
It’s weird to praise some rich kid for shooting a rich guy and loving the violence so much that you joke about being in love with him. I’ll chalk it up to the classic conundrum of women and gays trying to be funny, but just being overtly sexual and gross. The Mangione lover ladies are just lonely, desperate for attention, and desperately want to be unique, free-thinking individuals. Ironically, all these digitally obsessed bitches naturally glommed together in retardation.
Sickest Athlete Award - Deobra Redden
I’ve had to say it before, but Riot Club does not condone wanton and non-mutual violence. That being said, the guy that tackled that judge has serious fucking hops. The dude got some crazy airtime and made a tackle that would put Ray Lewis to shame.
The Oof! That had to hurt! Award - Boeing
Since the advent of flight, humans have made air travel safer and safer. The last century had seen amazing innovations like, the jet engine, the jumbo jet, traffic collision avoidance systems, ground proximity warnings, autopilot systems, fly-by-wire, improved weather radar, and improved passenger safety, to name just a few.
Whether it’s the hiring of incompetent losers, the basic immunity from actual responsibility, or deliberate carelessness, it doesn’t seem like Boeing gives a shit about keeping their steel beasts in the air.
Best Restaurant - Springfield, Ohio
It’s a rare one for an entire city to win best restaurant, but Springfield has really come to embody the meaning of “street food”. Asians are the biggest winners of this whole thing, shifting the dog-eating stereotypes to the Haitians. To be clear, I don’t care. Owning a dog is stupid, and although I’ve never eaten one, it’s not hard for me to imagine a slow cooked labrador with a Jamaican jerk marinade and some black bean sauce. I’m getting hungry.
The 28 Club Award - Zach Bryan
For those unfamiliar with the 27 club, it’s basically the age of a surprising amount of shocking deaths. Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, and Amy Winehouse are all members to name a few. There were quite a few celebrities that turned 28 this year, so it was hard to choose one, but I decided to go with country music star Zach Bryan. Bryan has been at the center of quite a few controversies over the last couple of years, and has been a target of the most vicious online demographic, young women. Between the partying, erratic behavior, and the public hate, no one would’ve been surprised if he didn’t see 28. Congrats man, you dodged death.
Worst State - California
The golden state has dimmed to more of a fiery red cesspool, rife with corruption, crime, drugs, hobos, and invaders. Things are so bad there that they not only lost more American residents than any state, but they effectively replaced the population with illegal migrants. They can even report population growth with how many people are just walking right in.
Worst Movie - Joker: Folie a Deux
I really tried to like it, but I just couldn’t get into it. Not too bad for the first 45 minutes or so, but it’s just a courtroom drama without a cohesive narrative. A 200 million dollar budget lit on fire. I really wanted to pick a movie that’s a little more esoteric or thoughtfully selected, but Joker 2 was really just that shitty.
G.O.A.T. Award for excellence in sports - Imane Khalif
Imane Khalif is probably the greatest person to ever compete in women’s Olympic boxing. He kicked some serious ass, and, in the name of equality, smashed in a ton of ladies' faces. Congrats bro!
Biggest Waste Of TIme - Tyson v. Paul Fight
In the spirit of combat sports, I couldn’t end this year without mentioning the complete embarrassment that was Netflix’s sports streaming debut. Not only was the stream constantly interrupted and shit quality, but the fights were subpar and the main event didn't start until almost midnight. Once we finally saw Iron Mike duke it out with that fake ghetto rich kid from Ohio, it wasn’t long before Mike was cooked. A complete embarrassment and total waste of time for everyone that suffered through the prelims.
In Memoriam 1968-2024
