Risky Roasting

Sam Sykes ~ 10/1/2024

I love joking around and being offensive. I’m sorry, but I do. But there are a few subjects that I never, ever touch. Some things (four to be exact) are taking it too far. Unless you don’t give a fuck about who you’re ribbing, you may want to avoid destroying a friendship for a cheap laugh. However, there are a couple topics that, despite what politically-correct retardation may tell you, ARE very much on the table. I explore these horribly offensive and wonderfully incursive jokes below: 

WAGs

The number one topic you should avoid when fucking with your buddy is any chick they are dating, and especially any chick they marry. A woman is a reflection of the man himself, the wrong joke can become personal on so many levels and at lightning speed. I would say that any and all jokes about WAGs should be avoided at all cost, no matter how innocent it seems. It’s not worth the eventual real-life nightmare of your buddy actually marrying the chick you called fat, ugly, retarded, and smelly. DON’T do it!

Your Friend’s Stupid Kids

Kids sort of go with the ladies on this one, but I suppose they need their own category. Kids are also a reflection of the men that make them, but they have saving grace that WAGs do not. Children are stupid, not always forever, but at least when they are little they have a propensity to do completely idiotic and senseless things. If you have a son, you almost want him to be lightly razzed as he approaches his teen years. Ultimately though, it’s good policy to keep any jokes about kids light-hearted and more playful than scathing.

Garbage Ink

I’ve stopped bullying buddies about this one in recent years. Criticizing a lesser-known acquaintance from the bar’s new ink can be almost a call to violence. Some guys are super sensitive about their tattoos and the meaning behind them. A hedgehog wearing a motocross helmet may be funny to us normal folk, but it’s also how American white trashians celebrate their buddy that died in a drunk driving accident. So unless you’re prepared to fight a dude that carries a knife around his ankle and has permanent hat hair, I would avoid this one.

Being Diddled As A Kid

This one should go without saying, but it should be on the list. Even if the dude is weird enough to talk about his time in the boy scouts, or the boy scouts’ time in him, It’s good policy to keep a straight face and laugh about it later.

Unexpectedly Encouraged Jokes:

Oddly Specific Racism

This may come as a shock, but in man culture, race is a fundamental cornerstone of insult comedy. A common misconception among chicks and beta-cucks is that this is not a black-white-asian thing. It’s far more specific and hilarious than that. I may be white, but my Scottish temper and alcoholism are the funny stereotypes that define me. Our managing editor here at Riot Club is Portuguese and I’ve been trying to make that esoteric ethnicity funny for years, and trust me, it’s not easy. Besides being Spain’s depressed and less talented little brother, Portugal is not a target rich environment. Race jokes are the great equalizer because they help everyone realize how much we all suck.

Fucking Dudes On The Reg

For some reason being gay is funny, but being a lesbian is not. Most cool gays, before 2018 understood that they held a weird position in society and would happily joke around about sexuality. Now that young people are faking gay to claim status over us regular disgusting straight people, they’ve made the world a significantly lamer place. I guess when you assume an identity for the sole purpose of being offended at every fucking joke, it doesn’t make you more interesting, just an asshole.

Tubs o’ Shit and Willem Dafoes

Men are not attractive. We have hair all over our bodies, we don’t even attempt to wear makeup unless we are super fucked up, and we have a weird sack that hangs below a meat slinky between our legs. This is not the picture of beauty, it's what people designed to go die in the mud look like. That being said, any joke on how a man looks has a greenlight as long as they aren’t some kind of burn victim.

With these rigid but solid guidelines you should be able to walk the line between provocative fun and irreversible offensiveness. Happy roasting!