Riot Club’s Project 2025
Sam Sykes ~ 10/22/2024
With the presidential election two weeks away, I decided that I wanted to compile a list of policy positions we here at the Riot Club believe need to be adopted by whoever the incoming candidate is. While controversial, it is the right thing to do. So without further ado, here are the non-negotiable changes we need to see supported by the nation's highest office:
12. Teens Be Dippin’ (Nicotine)
Thirteen should be the new age for ZYNs and ALPs. I mean, gimme a fuckin’ break, nicotine pouches aren’t cigarettes, alcohol, or even tobacco. It boosts testosterone, which modern men are losing at rapid rates and contrary to popular relief, they are cool. 21 is just too old to be allowed to be an adult.
11. Douchemobile
Whoever our next president is, Riot Club will be using its influence and readers to pressure the incoming administration to name a car the “Official Douchemobile” of America. Under careful consideration, we have decided to name the Ford Bronco as the highest scoring vehicle on the douche meter. Who is it even for? Rich guys that wanna feel badass? Couldn’t be more lame.
10. Hockey Pucks
We need a complete ban on restaurants' abilities to serve steaks served well-done. It’s a crime against humanity, and anyone that orders a burnt steak should be snitched on immediately. A hotline should be set up so that authorities are able to effectively and swiftly move in on diners.
9. Thursday Is The New Friday, For Some
North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, and Florida should all be moved to a four day work week, with Fridays designated as part of the weekend. This should be given as a temporary reward until another region is able to take over as the leader in partying. Until then, the south rules.
8. Sobers And DDs
We are officially asking that all bars be forced to give sodas and waters away for free after 10pm. This is for all of the designated drivers out there. I honestly think this could cut down on drunk driving accidents to another level. And really, how much is a soda wholesale anyways? Like 10 cents?
7. Only Hot Ladies
This has been a popular one for a long time, so I’m sort of stealing it, but America should adopt a strict new immigration policy that only allows hot chicks into the country. We set up dudes at every entry point and they have carte blanche to reject whoever they want. Of course there will be a little variance in who we let in depending on the judge, but nerds letting in a few Asians and black dudes letting in a few big girls, but in general, they will all be hot.
6. Man Feet
Any man that wears open-toed shoes to a party taking place after sundown shall be blindfolded, tied to a post and shot by a firing squad.
5. NO PART TWO
In an effort to save the film industry, all sequels, reboots, remakes, and universes will be banned indefinitely so we can get back to making original movies. It seems almost impossible to go see a movie that is a standalone original these days. Instead, Hollywood has become obsessed with churning out as many redundant cash grabs as they can. No more in 2025, we will lobby the new president to make some changes.
4. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, Get Shit-Faced
I wanted to figure out a way to make beer cheaper, so I thought that with all the money being flushed down the green toilet these days, we could argue that kegs are better for the environment. After all, they are reusable and they replace the need to buy bottles and cans. The EPA should subsidize kegs and let anyone of any age buy them… For the cause.
3. Fashion Police
I have always been a proponent of dressing your age and weight. No one wants to see a 40-year-old dude dressed like a zoomer or a fat chick in a belly shirt, sorry. We want to have enforcement in all major cities like how meter maids patrol. Writing tickets for unsecured muffin-tops and dudes wearing flat-brimmed hats.
2. Washington N.E.
Politicians are corrupt assholes that only really believe in acquiring as much wealth as possible from the American people, before facilitating the murder of civilians while serving on a military contractor board. That being said, we should punish them a bit, and force them to move the capital and its operations to Nebraska. DC used to be in the middle of the country hundreds of years ago, but now I think it’s only fair that they are pushed out into the corn.
1. Netflix And Achieve Peace
Our final and most important policy position will help us achieve world peace. According to a 2020 study by the Pentagon, 77% of American men that are active registrants for selective service would be deemed medically ineligible. We couldn’t fight a war even if we wanted to, but we could infect our adversaries with the same disease we have. I think between weed and netflix, Americans have just become amorphous blobs of laziness. Americans spend about 30 billion a year on legal weed and 4.3 billion a year on Netflix, but the country spends 175 billion in Ukraine. If we could divert this money to give universal access to Netflix and weed for all countries and terror groups in the world, we would have the most peaceful time in history.
