New Year’s Aggravations
Mike Leitao ~ 01/09/2024
The new year brings with it many things. People messing up the year when they date documents, celebrating another year on this cold hell we call earth, and many more. However, the most common new year tradition just so happens to be the most stupid. The good ol’ fashion New Year’s resolutions are something that everyone talks about when the New Year rolls around. But then you notice that come summer time, no one seems to be talking about them anymore. Why is that? It’s because New Year’s resolutions are only ever used by stupid people who can’t motivate themselves to actually complete anything of importance in their lives.
A resolution is defined as “a firm decision to do or not do something”. What that really means is that a resolution is something that you decide you want to change, and then you change it. The issue with that isn’t the first part, it’s the second half. Most people can make 100 decisions about things they want to change, but they aren’t able to follow through with them, meaning it’s not a real resolution, it’s just the same as saying something for the sake of saying something.
I am no psychologist, but if there is one thing I know about people, it’s that they like to talk about themselves. Everyone deep down wants people to care about them, whether it’s because they want to know at least one person thinks about them or they want to be the center of attention, everyone wants it. That’s why they use New Year's Resolutions, because they are generic but cause people to care (or at least pretend to as they wait to cut you off to tell you about their New Year's resolutions). Seriously, think about how incredibly generic 99% of New Year’s resolutions are. People will almost 100% of the time say either “I want to get in better shape” or “I want to read more” or “I want to experience new things”. The reason these don’t work as actual resolutions but work great as conversation pieces are because they have no real goal or target but are open ended which can cause people to ask more. When you say “I want to read more” people will say “well what kind of things do you want to read” or “how many books are you aiming for”. The irony of it all is that the probing is actually them trying to figure out what the real resolution is, but people don’t really have resolutions so they just say bullshit like “I’ll read anything” or they give a random number they came up with on the spot.
If you ask two people their New Year’s resolutions and one says “I want to read more” and the other says “I want to read 20 books this year”, I guarantee the second person is one million times more likely to actually achieve their goal for the sole reason they put a lick of thought into it to set an actual goal with an actual target. They aren’t telling you their goal to simply just have a conversation, ideally, about themselves, they are telling you because you asked. The second answer is more cut and dry and makes for more of a back and forth conversation versus a probing exercise. People like that are the good ones who when you finish talking to them you actually feel good about the conversation, unlike the first kind where you wish your balls were on fire and your head was getting beat by a baseball bat cause it would still be less painful than talking to them.
The other reason I hate New Year's resolutions with a passion is because if you actually want to set a goal for yourself for something you want to change and do different, you do it right then and there instead of waiting for the New Year. When I want to change something with my life, I start changing it right away. I don’t sit on my ass for months on end being like “I can’t wait to change this in the New Year”. People who actually have goals and will achieve more than being a virgin living in their parents' basements while messaging underage kids get shit done when it comes up, not months down the line. When people give the same New Year's Resolution for the 5th year in a row, it’s pretty safe to say that person actually has no plans or will ever accomplish anything. There is a reason the gym is crazy busy in January then goes back to normal in February every single year, because people are predictable. If you wanna go work out and get in better shape, do it when you decide you are fat, not months later after you gained another 20 pounds.
Do I acknowledge complaining about people and their New Year’s resolutions is both a first world complaint and also probably ironic for someone who writes weekly articles? Yes. But I also know that when someone comes up to me to talk about New Year's Resolutions I have to decide between smiling and having a boring and draining conversation or smashing them over the head with a frying pan, so I think it’s a worthwhile complaint. Anyways, here’s a list of my New Year's Resolutions, enjoy.
Steal a lobster from a grocery store
End the North Korea/South Korea border
Assassinate a world leader
Figure out how a shrimp fries my rice
