My International Bucket List
Sam Sykes ~ 09/19/2024
Most people want to see the Louvre or the Eiffel Tower, lame! Some want to see the swampy flooding of Venice, or the “Romantic” shitty weather of the UK. Maybe you want to enjoy the big desert island of Australia, or the cold wastelands of the Nordic region, all overrated. I want to see real culture, not some safe, intelligent, western crap, but real people living their truth. Here are five things I need to see before I die:
Ping Pong Show
Bangkok is known for lots of sex-tourism, I’m not interested in getting AIDS or going to hell so that’s a resounding “no” for me. That being said, the ping pong shows at the world-famous Super Pussy Bar does sound like a nice evening of fun for the whole family. These ladies are some of the highest earners in all of Thailand, though I doubt they have kids to pay for, there’s no way they could manage that level of pelvic control after a baby ripped its way through. An expensive flight and stay to see some ladies fire a ping pong ball across the room seems a bit rich for something you could google for no dollars.
Mongolian Nazi March
I’ll be clear so I don’t get fire-bombed or accosted in public, I DON’T support Nazis. That being said, I would like to check out the Tsagaan Khas public march in Mongolia. It’s probably more realistic to call this a ‘parade’, rather than a march. Every year on April 20th (Hitler’s Birthday), a handful of nerdy Mongolian men adorned in Nazi regalia take to the streets in protest of… something. The group's political identity has shifted over the years, and is now mostly known as an environmentalist group. They fight pollution from Chinese industry that has made its way into the country. Something I’m sure Hitler would have cared a lot about…
Indian Trifecta
Accomplishing the famed Indian Trifecta is not for the faint of heart or men of weak will. The goal is to stay one night anywhere in the country of India without falling victim to some of the most common issues plaguing visitors. The first, and easiest one (as long as you’re not a woman or child), is to avoid being sold into sex trafficking. In India, a child is kidnapped and trafficked every 8 minutes, tourists beware. The second point of our gross triangle is much tougher to accomplish than running from human traffickers. Avoiding scams is nearly impossible from pickpockets, to thievery, to menacing, and violence, it can be very hard to not hand over a shit-ton of cash to criminals. If you can hold onto your passport and shit, two points for you! If you make it past these first two challenges, the last one can be easy or impossible to accomplish based on how you look at it. The final challenge is to NOT get diarrhea. Simply not possible if you eat any of the food there, fasting is the only viable strategy to hitting the Indian Trifecta.
Albino Hunting
Lots of rich guys take their families on heavily curated trips to Africa to “hunt” big game. Basically, these rich douchebags drive out to where a lion or some shit has been cornered by a bunch of locals while another guy sets the gun’s sights on whichever endangered animal they want to kill. Then, the rich asshole pulls the trigger and flies home with a giraffe’s head. So lame, I have nothing against hunting, but really, HOW is that hunting? If you want a real rush, albino hunting in certain parts of the African continent (South Africa, Tanzania, and Mozambique to name a few) is a thrilling and fun way to celebrate VooDoo culture. An albino’s skin and bones bring good luck, and inside their skull is pure gold. I’m a little surprised they still believe the gold-head one, wouldn’t that be dispelled after cracking like two or three of those albino skulls.
Donkey Show
Mexican aristocrats have claimed that donkey shows are pure fiction and stories of urban legend, but I think we all know the truth. Somewhere, probably in multiple seedy back alleys of the hot and dangerous country, these shows are happening. It’s not like I want to see a lady have sex with a donkey, but I am fascinated with the logistics of putting something like this together. The box office, the opening acts, the showmanship, and even the concession stands. What kind of food do they sell at an event like this? I love Mexican street corn, but somehow I think chomping down on a wet cob might not be the most appetizing snack during something like this.
