Maximum PrEParedness
Sam Sykes ~ 09/24/2024
Pre-exposure prophylaxis, more commonly known as PrEP, is a drug taken before you fuck somebody with AIDS. Why you would roll the dice on AIDS, I don't know, but I don’t understand a whole lot of what those gentlemen do to one another. Besides having unprotected sex with Magic Johnson (I guess that his johnson isn’t magic enough to stop HIV) and Charlie Sheen, there are some lesser-known ways to get “The Bug”. Here are some cases where PrEP may be necessary:
Cyclists Are AIDS
These assholes think they own the road and the trail, but in reality, all they own is two divorces and a bunch of spandex cycling suits. When walking your dog or a baby stroller leisurely on a community trail, these dicks come flying around corners like they’re racing in the Tour De ‘Tard. Even better is when they slow down everyone on their way to work. Loosely staying on the shoulder and flying through red lights, YOU’RE in trouble when one of these dorks bounces off the hood of your car. They should be treated like deer, when you hit one and they total your car, you should be allowed to drag them to the side of the road, and afterwards, they bloat for a week before the vultures take them apart. Now, I take PrEP on every sunny day that I drive.
AIDS Rating: Six Broken Condoms Out Of Ten
Fake Beer = AIDS Juice
Near beer is stupid. Alcoholics in recovery probably shouldn't drink these triggers, and no normal person has one on a nice evening before work tomorrow. That leaves them for the soulless douchebags and fashionably sober losers of LA. It seems like every celebrity needs to reach the rank of sober to truly consider themselves among the class that have “made it”. The best part of sobriety is not the boring parties or the grumpy attitude, but telling every fucking person you meet that you are abstaining from booze. Fake beer is the crescendo of bragging, it doesn’t even require you to mention it to anyone, you can proudly and boldly show off your non-alcoholic drink. If you want a sober seltzer, just drink a soda you pompous fuck. And no one drinks beer because it tastes good, they drink it to make themselves more interesting and beautify ugly chicks. If you are in a situation where you may be around near beer, do yourself a favor, and be PrEPared.
AIDS Rating: Accidentally Stepping On A Needle In Philadelphia
Disney Adults
Every year, thousands of stupid bitches and and beta-cuck men make pilgrimage to Orlando, driving up the prices for families with young children. If you ever see a woman wearing mickey mouse ears, just know that she is a whimsical retard and run away as fast as you can. If you see a man wearing the ears, hide your kids and call Chris Hansen. There is nothing lamer and creeper than a single man walking around Magic Kingdom, it should be illegal. Can you imagine the disappointment you would feel if your adult son was spending spring break in the Star Wars section of Disney World? If they don’t have AIDS yet, It’s just a matter of time. PrEP!
AIDS Rating: Spending The Entire Month Of June In Key West
Gunts and Crocs
You shouldn’t hate people for being fat, after all, we all love Santa Claus, the funny Jonah Hill, and Pandas, but you should hate when they don’t dress their weight. I don’t walk around in muscle shirts, because I don't have muscles (or domestic abuse charges). The last thing anyone wants to see is a big Gunt coming at them in the ice cream aisle. Coupled with crocs, fat slobs in silicon shoes looks like a scary premonition of the future, but is actually an unfortunate modern reality. AIDS could actually help these people lose some weight, if their holes weren’t trapped under all that blubber.
AIDS Rating: Being Friends With Vin Diesel
Anna Kendrick
She’s the HIV Medusa, just looking her in the eyes can infect you with the Dallas Buyer’s version of AIDS. Her overbite, those cold, dead eyes, and a chin stronger than superman’s, Anna Kendrick is easily the most annoying person of all time. A terrible actress that looks like a witch in disguise, the only thing worse than her voice, is the complete lack of talent. She has a unique ability to ruin movies even with even the briefest of appearances. Anna is so AIDsy that even PrEP most likely cannot prevent an infection.
AIDS Rating: Eswatini
Remember to Always Stay PrEPared!
