Labor Day Losing
Sam Sykes ~ 09/03/2024
This weekend we all had the opportunity to get wasted three nights in a row as opposed to the typical two. Everyone looks forward to Labor Day, one of the simplest holidays, “honoring” everyone that works. I’m not complaining, but Labor Day really just seems like one of these made up days so we can hit the beach one last time before it gets cold as balls. It’s like Juneteenth, stupid, it doesn’t make sense to have a “freed slave” holiday in June. The 13th amendment, freeing slaves, was ratified in December of 1865, but we already have Christmas that month. No use in having a day off there. Anyways, I thought I’d highlight some of the intriguing hypocrisies and fatuousness of the modern labor environment.
Massa LeBron Is Underpaid
LeBron James loves to be a victim. After taking a paycut during his time with the Heat (he said publicly that it was to help the team acquire talent around him), he bitched about not being the highest paid player in the league. In fact, he constantly rants about how discrimination has hurt his money-making opportunities despite becoming a billionaire by the time he was 37. If he’s really worried about the unequal scales of justice and profit, maybe he should make a donation to one of the Chinese factories that make his signature shoes. I’m sure the child laborers could use a pack of cigarettes or a sandwich considering they are making mere dollars a day. These slaves of the state have helped LeBron and Nike make millions and billions of dollars. I wonder if the Chinese factory workers would be willing to take a paycut to surround themselves with more talent…
The UAW Hates America, Workers, and You
Despite the insistence that their cars are “made in America”, all U.S. car producers are just repackaging the word “assembled”. There is no car built in America that is entirely made here. The unions did a good job of slowly suffocating manufacturers since WWII, and now we have only the appearance of patriotic products. Fleeing to Asia and Mexico, all of the car companies we know do all the real work for pennies of what it would cost to produce here. Who can blame them? The unions took the workers’ desire for fair wages, reasonable hours, healthcare, and retirement, and perverted it into a greedy, powerful machine. It worked at first, holding the companies hostage and turning consumers against the businesses, but time ticked on and the negative impacts proved the unions’ overreach. Almost a year ago now, the United Auto Workers Union went on strike, and although prices have gone through the roof for all new and pre-owned vehicles, we haven’t felt the full extent of the squeeze yet. The 32-hour work week and 43% increase in wages will fall squarely on middle class shoulders.
Wasting Away and Social Decay
We should take a moment to honor the brave men and women of social media, who courageously document “a day in the life” of their modern work routines. Men used to walk to the coal mines carrying pounds of gear, take an industrial elevator hundreds of yards down, then crawl through miles of cavernous and buckling rock to where they would finally start their work day. It’s a bit different now. Chicks and beta-cuck office workers TikToking their daily routines. It’s basically tons of free food and smoothies, with a bit of social media “work” sprinkled in throughout the day. If you have time to film 80% of your work day, how hard could you actually be working?
Rosie The Ruiner
We let ladies come into the workforce and what fun that has been. It’s worth looking progressive even though they can only do 60% of the work a man can. They’re just like us guys, except they are unreasonably angry for a few days each month, hopefully there aren't any big meetings that require a positive touch during that time. The contributions from female workers are endless, from social media management, to #MeToo, ending beers after work (boys clubs), and exemplifying the phrase “you can’t look, and you can’t touch”. Who else would decorate the office to reflect the upcoming holiday or tell everyone how her kid is gifted, but misunderstood? Thanks ladies, it’s been worth it!
Lawless and Lawsuits
Another fun revolution in the life of your average minimum-wage worker is the restrictions against theft protection and self-defense. If you work in a retail environment, the worst thing you could do is attempt to stop theft in any capacity. Even approaching a criminal and asking them to stop is a fireable offense. If attacked, an employee is advised to flee, but never defend themself. It could lead to the store being sued by the injured thief. They much rather you be killed and stomped into a red, crunchy pulp than cost the company one cent in litigation. There’s no honor among thieves, or the people that are supposed to be defending against them, apparently. If a worker does happen to get injured while imploring the criminal to stop, well, it’s back to the Denny’s. They even fired that chick Waffle House Wendy after she defended the restaurant against a violent mob… but only a year later when the video went viral.
Not Bitterness, But Calibration
I’m not trying to be bitter about a holiday originally intended to honor hard work and mastery of craft while being fairly treated, protected, and compensated. But I did want to highlight the terrible hypocrisy present today. Greed seems to be the root of all of these problems, asking for too much is not progressive, it’s stupid, and it affects all of us. We’re paying LeBron’s billion dollar bill as he shits all over the country and the people that made him rich. We have smoothie-sipping bitches influencing all day as minimum-wage workers get fired for being attacked. Let’s prioritize real problems on labor day, not gobbledygook and political ramblings, but serious issues facing this country.
