I Would Eat a Person
Sam Sykes ~ 08/28/2024
I want to start off by saying, violence is absolutely NOT okay, and should never be an answer for a cannibal looking to source meat. Here at Riot Club we always advocate for peaceful and sustainable lifestyles. Cannibalism has been given a bad name by several unhinged genius lunatics, but we see ourselves more like those soft-spoken old ladies that wear lots of tie-dye and turquoise. Always smiling and passive-aggressively attempting to correct our behavior, the only thing these spinsters like more than locally sourced kombucha, is telling everyone about how they drink locally sourced kombucha. Anyways, we’re like those ladies, so no violence.
All over the western world, the immense generational privilege and non-existence of hardship or real struggle has created a general and growing sense of meaninglessness. The men and women of the west that do not value life have turned to medically assisted death, or MAD. With the forty-four thousand people Canada has killed since the practice’s adoption in 2016, and the over ten thousand deaths in Europe last year, that provides a whole bunch of people that could willingly participate to be eaten. You could even check a box that would exempt you from being made into the diarrhea that is Indian food. We could even add a section on licenses like the organ donor symbol. We could add a tiny grill or kebab to the corner that means, “I am happy to be dinner!”. For all the tree huggers out there, we could go a step further and make some lamps or ashtrays or something with the leftovers. How’s that for environmentalism!
It’s Natural
In nature we see cannibalism everywhere. Some of the most beloved animals are actually very accomplished in eating their own. We plaster their faces on backpacks and make them into stuffed animals for our kids to play with. The unhinged climate alarmists constantly bitch and moan about preserving their environments. So why wouldn’t we adopt a humane version of a natural reality?
Hippopotamus
Hippos love to eat each other, especially the carcasses of other dead hippos. There have been numerous reported instances where whole populations got extremely ill from eating infected corpses. Of course in our circumstances we would have ways to make sure the human meat was all good. Who knows maybe we’ll eat some hippos of our own like those fat sisters on TLC.
Chimpanzees
Chimps like to eat babies, in particular. Despite half the country’s love for slaughtering babies, I would hope this is too macabre and immoral for us humans. Despite Canada’s best efforts to include minors in the “please kill yourself” program, I would hope that humans wouldn’t cave to the chimpanzee like behavior. Everyone loves to talk about how our closest relative is so smart and complicated, even though they really just eat their own shit and masturbate all day.
Polar Bears
There’s a reason polar bears are always floating on that piece of ice alone, and it's not melting ice caps. They are well-known to eat their offspring. If everyone loves polar bears and is so obsessed with saving them, they should start prosecuting the bears themselves for violating the Endangered Species Act.
Korowai
The experts would have you believe that the tribes of New Guinea no longer eat people, unless in punishment or revenge. That’s a hell of a rationalization. Joe Biden claimed his uncle was eaten by them, and honestly, it was probably one of the few true things he’s ever said. These people are actually just that, people, and they love the sweet taste of human flesh. BBQs must be an intimate and weird affair.
Haters
Hollywood has given a bad rap to some of the most famous cannibals. Their representations of serial killers with a perverted love for homosapien cuisine stigmatizes the sustainable and ethical people-eaters. I prefer to reference the 1993 true-story film, Alive, where those South American dudes ate people to survive after a plane crash. And spoiler alert, they’re the good guys!
Testimonials
I like children, they are tasty.
-Albert Fish
I don't care if I live or die. Go ahead and kill me. If a person doesn't think there is a God to be accountable to, then what's the point of trying to modify your behavior to keep it within acceptable ranges?
-Jeffrey Dahmer
Many's the poor devil I've killed, at one time or another … and the time has been that I've been obliged to feed on some of 'em
-Boon Helm
The blood on it is a tad skeevy – I mean, don’t get me wrong… But man is it tasty.
-Kenny Hotz on eating an umbilical cord in Triumph of the Will
Recipes
Human Tartare: A fun way to consume a human, probably only if it is fresh and not shipped internationally. This may be hard for Americans seeing as the ethical human-steaks are from the MAD killings in other countries.
Human Tacos: Maybe some of the fattier less valuable cuts can be slow roasted and seasoned to shit. A fun way to celebrate Cinco de Mayo in style.
Manburgers: A fun way to introduce unsuspecting friends and family to the joys of ethical cannibalism. Fire up the grill for a big BBQ and let the magical taste introduce itself to all of the partygoers. Once enough complements have rolled in about the juicy and flavorful burgers, it’s time to break the news. A few ruffled feathers might expose themselves, but more people will be convinced than turned off.
A Globalists Wet Dream
If we can sustainably and ethically source human meat, it’s a much better option than eating bugs for all of our protein. The globalists already have everyone killing themselves, now we should just eat them to solve our protein issue. After all, it could be a great reset for all of us steak eaters.
