FROM THE COUCH:

Military Schools Still Killing It, Tulane Runs Wild, Bama Gets Embarrassed, Washington Settles The Score, Browns Fans’ Painful Existence, Punter Kills His Own Team, George Pickens Makes A Corner His Bitch, and more!

Mike Leitao ~ 10/02/2024

We're back again with another week of this shit. Every passing week the intros get worse and worse. I imagine by Thanksgiving they will be so bad you will need to take a break before actually reading the article. Before we hop right in, I wanna get ahead of a question I already know is coming. “Oh Mike, you handsome incredible human, with playoff baseball being on now should we expect breakdowns of those?” No. Well, probably not until the World Series at the earliest. If you’ve read some of my other articles (you should go read all of them, they are really good) then you know baseball isn’t my cup of tea. Now with that bit out of the way, let’s jump into it.

Navy vs Air Force, Army vs Tulsa:

LETS GO! THEY STAY UNDEFEATED! I want these teams competing for the college football championship. It would be top-tier viewing and the greatest championship match of all time. I would bet my right nut.

Missouri vs Texas A&M:

Matchups between two top ranked teams is normally gonna result in a good game. Instead, we got the 25th ranked team stomping the top ten team so badly the state of Missouri debated going back and reinstating slavery.

Tulane vs UAB:

This is our weekly 70-point offensive explosion that needs to be discussed. It’s always better when the team that drops 70 isn’t Alabama or Georgia but instead, random ass teams like James Madison or Tulane. Dropping 10 TDs on a team’s head is straight disrespectful and I imagine the UAB players get no game on campus for at least the next week.

Alabama vs Vanderbilt:

Nick Saban saying Vanderbilt has no home field advantage? Check. An old viral clip between these two teams that has great twitter potential? Check. All things considered, we should’ve known Vanderbilt was gonna win. In all seriousness, what the fuck happened. I don’t even feel like Vanderbilt played great compared to Alabama, they just flat out won. Don’t worry cousin fuckers, I’m sure Alabama will still make the playoffs and probably make it pretty far. Vanderbilt, not so much.

Michigan vs Washington:

Congrats Washington, you got your revenge for the National Championship game last season. Of course your team isn’t great now and not even ranked so it doesn’t really matter at all, and everyone knows this Michigan team is worse than last years, but I guess enjoy your morale victory that no one cares about.

Tennessee vs Arkansas:

Arkansas is actually a pretty solid team, not better than Tennessee at all, but still decent. But maybe it’s just me, but something about Arkansas just pisses me off. I like college football more when they suck. Unlike Alabama, I would be worried if I was a Tennessee fan and just like that my shot at the college football playoffs were gone.

Buccaneers vs Falcons:

Normally Thursday night football is trash, but this week we were blessed with a banger of a game. Really good offense, Kirk Cousins continues to get better each game and Baker Mayfield makes Cleveland cry themselves to sleep every night. Banger, let’s do more Thursday games like this please.

Panthers vs Bears:

I imagine this game killed at least two panthers fans. It’s gotta suck watching your QB drafted first overall ride the bench cause he sucks, then get put in cause the rest of the team sucks so the game doesn’t matter, then watch him suck in the game. Meanwhile the team you traded with to get said QB torches you with the receiver you gave them and the QB they drafted with the pick you gave them tear your team to shreds. Sorry Luke, maybe I was wrong and Williams is actually gonna be good. Just kidding fuck you Luke.

Browns vs Commanders:

LOL, Deshaun Watson is actually so bad and the team is so chained to him they refuse to put in Jameis Winston. They continue to be the clown show of the league and for that, we are thankful.

Ravens vs Bengals:

Offensive explosion and what will end up being one of the better games of the year. Watching Lamar actually be an elite passer is always fun and watching Burrow ball out for his defense to be shit is fun too. The beef between Mark Andrews and Lamar Jackson needs to be studied cause, why is he not getting thrown to like at all? Also if the Bengals punter wasn’t jumped in the locker room for costing them that win, they need a culture change.

Cowboys vs Steelers:

I can’t believe I willingly stayed up an extra hour and a half to watch this game. The Steelers offense had two good drives and I missed the first one cause I was in the bathroom. Meanwhile CeeDee Lamb and Dak have one miscommunication and all of a sudden my slim chances at winning fantasy this week go away as Dak targets everyone on the team but Lamb. George Pickens one-hand-bitching the corner who locked him up all day was actually pretty badass and I have no doubt that corner sat in utter silence on the way home just thinking about it.