FROM THE COUCH:
Military Schools Still Killing It, Dark Horse Mormons, Notre Dame Spirals, Roid Rage JMU, Vegas Drama, Nix > Jets, Vintage Henry Returns, and more!
Mike Leitao ~ 10/02/2024
It’s October motherfuckers. Time for Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas and then the new year starts and the seasonal depression kicks in. We’ve also wrapped up another week of both college football and the NFL games, which of course means another week of me providing you with incredibly high IQ takes that only a genius like myself could possibly come up with.
Army vs Temple, Navy vs UAB:
LETS FUCKING GO. Army and Navy both 4-0 for the first time since 1945 I cannot wait to be storming the beaches of Russia with the boys. World War 3 is gonna go crazy now that we have smartphones. Also, Temple is dogshit at football.
BYU vs Baylor:
Why is BYU 5-0? Who signed off on this? If BYU makes it to the college football playoffs I’m gonna lose my mind. We cannot let those Mormons win the ‘ship, I won’t be able to sleep at night.
Buffalo vs UConn:
With Buffalo losing to UConn (in embarrassing fashion I must add) we have added a bevy of teams to our roster we can use to give Notre Dame the most embarrassing loss ever. We now have access to Maryland, Duke, and Michigan State.
Ball State vs James Madison:
Someone better go drug test those boys at JMU. After dropping 70 on North Carolina this week they chilled out slightly by only dropping 63 on Ball State. They have now outscored opponents through their first 4 games by a score of 176-70 or an average game of 44-18.
Fresno State vs UNLV:
UNLV is now 4-0 and ranked nationally, but all anyone cares about is that we had the greatest headline because of them recently. Starting QB Matthew Sluka announced he’s sitting out the rest of the season and transferring due to NIL discrepancies. NIL is both wonderful and awful for college sports but that’s an article for another day. What’s amazing is bro gets listed on the injury report for the rest of the season with the injury “NIL”. That’s top-tier comedy and no one can convince me otherwise.
Georgia vs Alabama:
Game of the year. Incredible. Alabama goes up 21-0 in the first quarter. Georgia with a historic comeback. Alabama relies on their 17-year-old freshman receiver to come up with a clutch play and bro scores a 75-yard game-winning TD. Absolute cinema and easily better than any movie that came out this year.
Cowboys vs Giants:
How does a team score zero TDs in a full game? It’s actually impressive. I did not stat check this but I gotta assume Giants are the first team to have both a game where your opponent scores no TDs and you lose and then a game where you score no TDs and still lose. History is always being made by the Giants.
Broncos vs Jets:
Speaking of awful offense, Bo Nix wowed the competition with his impressive 60 total passing yards. You can tell he impressed the Jets so much since they somehow lost to the team who’s QB barely made it half the length of the football field in yards. You know what they say, “Jets gonna Jet”.
Vikings vs Packers:
Sam Darnold is not only the probable leader in the MVP race currently (wild statement) but he also has thrown 11 TDs which means that’s at least 11 times our Sam has cried to himself in the shower for what could’ve been.
Commanders vs Cardinals:
Jayden Daniels is a dog. That is all.
Browns vs Raiders:
The Browns will never cease to amaze. Playing one of the worst teams in the league who are missing easily their best offensive and defensive player, this should be a cakewalk to victory. Nah you wish, instead Deshaun Watson continues to show that in due time bro will be the most expensive backup in the league and you somehow lose to a team that couldn’t even get to 300 total yards. Just like the Jets, Browns gonna Brown.
Bills vs Ravens:
Wow, the Ravens won on the back of an impressive running day from Henry. It’s almost like utilizing your teams very obvious strength leads to victories. Football is not as hard as it is made out to be.
Titans vs Dolphins:
If you know anyone who willingly sat down Monday night and chose to watch this game over the Seahawks vs Lions, do NOT associate yourself with this person, they are a psychopath and will most likely murder you in your sleep.
As a final parting piece I just wanted it to be known, I played Luke in fantasy this week and beat his bitch-ass team by 40. Bro is in last place in the league. Get fucked Luke.
