FROM THE COUCH:
Military Schools Killing It, Buffalo > Notre Dame, Giants Vs. Browns Is Expensive, Darnold For MVP, Bum-Ass Broncos, The Return of The Red Rifle, and more!
Mike Leitao ~ 09/25/2024
Another week of my life, as I draw closer to the always present end, means another week of sports draws to a close. This week saw more dumb shit and the dumb shit from previous weeks continues to make no sense to the point where we have to stop and wonder; Is this actually the new normal for this season? Like I said last week, intros are for loser English teachers so let’s not waste anymore time.
Rice vs Army, Memphis vs Navy:
A double header selection I hear you say. No. I didn’t watch these games, but surprisingly I have better things to do with my life. This is just here for a little history lesson. Both Army and Navy are currently 3-0 and are both favored to win next week which would put them to 4-0. Firstly, congrats boys, get that college football championship. Secondly, the last time both those teams were 4-0 to start a season was 1945, meaning if both these teams win this weekend, Riot Club might need to take a small break when Sam and I get drafted into WW3 (don’t worry we will make sure to have content from it for when we return).
James Madison vs North Carolina:
Imagine paying money for a school to come to your home stadium to play. Now imagine letting that school drop 70 points on your head including 53 in the first half. If you are North Carolina, you don’t have to imagine. Now to be fair to them, JMU have been dogs for a while now and are not anywhere near the level of some of the other bum ass FCS schools, but still, it was easily the most embarrassing game of the week.
USC vs Michigan:
Big ol’ matchup between 2 top 25 teams and it was a solid game. But let’s be real, the only thing anyone thought after this game was “the QB threw for how many yards?” Seriously it doesn’t feel legal for a team that isn’t Army or Navy to have a QB throw for 32 yards in a game. I couldn’t even imagine being a WR knowing your whole job that game was to just block, I’d be transferring. But anyways, a pretty good game, two thumbs up from me.
Buffalo vs Northern Illinois:
You might look at this game and think, wow that’s random… and you would be right. However, I didn’t watch much college ball this weekend and more importantly I got to build out my Notre Dame roast. With Notre Dame losing to Northern Illinois and then Northern Illinois losing to Buffalo, we can say Buffalo > Notre Dame. Then, when Buffalo loses next we will get to continue the trend until hopefully we get to say Notre Dame is technically worse than one of the worst teams in the nation. Fuck Notre Dame (and fuck Luke cause he a bitch).
Patriots vs Jets:
The Patriots offensive line reminds me of the door guy at a college bar. The Jets won and Sam hyping up Braelon Allen lost me money so thanks for that.
Giants vs Browns:
It must be nice to get paid hundreds of millions of dollars to be dog shit at your job and have no real repercussions. If you are wondering which QB I’m talking about in this match up, it’s both. Also shoutout Amari Cooper for finally not being complete hot dog water so I could win fantasy this week.
Bears vs Colts:
It took Caleb Williams 12 quarters to score a TD. Bro finally scored his first and second TD this game and they both came from a yard out, Chicago is where QBs go to die. I would love it if Anthony Richardson could pass with accuracy better than myself, that would be pretty cool for everyone I think.
Texans vs Vikings:
Brian Flores is a bottom tier coach and a top tier defensive coordinator and those guys are my favorites cause once he gets a HC job and fails we can just repeat the cycle over and over again, it’s good fun. Sam Darnold is the MVP of the league btw, get those bets in now.
Eagles vs Saints:
Eagles getting back in the win column on the backs of 2 players really strikes fear in the hearts of NFC teams. CJGJ should spend less time yapping about other teams and more time on the practice field so he could be less shit, just a suggestion.
Broncos vs Buccaneers:
Games like this are why I hate betting. You got Mayfield firing on all cylinders playing the bum-ass Broncos and bro goes out there and gets smacked around. Every game is a trap game nowadays it seems.
Packers vs Titans:
Someone got to check the water in Green Bay cause how is it every quarterback they have just plays like a stud while there, it’s suspicious. Whatever it is, give some to the Titans cause Will Levis has the decision making skills of a teenage girl who just got dumped by her high school sweetheart.
Panthers vs Raiders:
Never underestimate the Red Rifle. Andy Dalton with his classic “holy shit this guy is actually good” game. Now we wait for everyone to say Bryce Young is absolute trash and to trade him (we are basically already there) and then once Dalton plays like shit again to go right back to “well the panthers don’t have the weapons to succeed”.
Dolphins vs Seahawks:
At this current rate, we might see Tebow playing QB for the Dolphins this year. All we can do is pray because a Tebow to Hill 90 yard TD will feed families.
Chiefs vs Falcons:
To be honest, I couldn’t even tell you what happened in this game. All I remember is the Falcons kinda blew it at the end and apparently refs are allowed to be shit as long as they feed their dogs good food. And the NFL really wanted to hammer that point in cause I swear I saw that commercial more times than I saw Taylor Swift last season.
Jaguars vs Bills:
I watched the Bills beat the Jags like they were a little league team. Highlight of the game was the fact I hit on three separate bets so that was pretty cool, unlike the Jags offense which couldn’t hit water if they fell out of a boat.
I don’t have any fun stats to put at the end this week, so instead I’ll just say for all the teams I didn’t touch on this article or haven’t touched on yet this season, do better and maybe create some entertaining content for us, please.
