FROM THE COUCH:
South Alabama drops 87, South Carolina pounds the rock, the Ravens might suck, the Panthers DO suck, the Giants get kicked, the Eagles are drunk, and more!
Mike Leitao ~ 09/18/2024
With week 2 of the NFL season and week 3 of college football wrapped up, it was another exciting weekend of some good ole fashioned pigskin slinging. It was quite a stupid weekend in the NFL, lots of upsets and most likely a lot of people who lost money sports betting. Meanwhile, on the CFB front it was a pretty boring week in terms of upsets and shocks which is always unfortunate. But that’s enough intro, no one even likes intros and if you do, what are you? An English teacher? Get a life.
Northwestern State vs South Alabama:
I didn’t watch this game, I have better things to do with my time. Regardless, dropping 87 on your opponents dome deserves some level of recognition so congrats South Alabama I’m sure you all had a great celebratory weekend fucking your cousins as you do down there.
Oklahoma State vs Tulsa:
Apparently these schools are rivals, which geographically makes sense, but skillswise does not. If you expected ranked Oklahoma State to smack around unranked and considerably worse Tulsa than congrats you understand basic football logic. Tulsa didn’t even score until the 4th quarter while down by 45 so those points actually don’t count.
LSU vs South Carolina:
This was a fun game. South Carolina pounded the rock the way I pound moms and LSU’s run defense was like a condom that got run through spikes. On the flip side, LSU was definitely more balanced with a solid mix of run and pass. Just a fun game to watch that came down to a missed field goal to tie. On one hand I get that a 49 yarder in college isn’t automatic, but on the other hand it feels like anything less than 50 should be in your favor. Side note, the LSU coach saying they were underdogs when they were 6 point favorites on the road tells me that man definitely is not at risk of getting caught gambling on games.
Notre Dame vs Purdue:
A week after getting beat by Northern Illinois (still embarrassing by the way), Notre Dame made Purdue its rebound as they beat the shit out of them. Really not much else to say other than “shit don’t matter you lost to bum-ass Northern Illinois”.
Georgia vs Kentucky:
Another lowkey banger of a game. Unlike LSU vs South Carolina, this was a meticulous slow paced, low-action game but it was still a good one. Checking the stats and seeing Kentucky's Runningback had 98 yards but only 4.5 YPC is wild cause I swear that dude was bulldozing Georgia players. I don’t care about Kentucky's record, they are gonna be a tough team to play all year it seems. For Georgia, get ya head out your ass cause that would’ve been up there with the Notre Dame loss.
Raiders vs Ravens:
Losing to the Raiders is embarrassing. Crazy that we went from thinking the Ravens might actually be good after losing to the Chiefs by like a toe, to being like “wow this team might not be great”. It’s weird because when you watch, they seem to play fine but for whatever reason they just don’t have enough. Minshew Mania round 4 is what it feels like at this rate, I imagine around week 6 or 7 the magic will be gone like it always is.
Chargers vs Panthers:
I’m convinced the Panthers would lose to my middle school football team by 20+. It wouldn’t have mattered if the Chargers pulled off some of the greatest plays of all time, because all that anyone remembers after watching this game is “Wow, the Panthers might have set themselves back at least a decade with the decision to trade up and draft Bryce Young”, who now will ride the bench… That will help his confidence. In other news, Luke dropped Bryce Young in fantasy and Caleb Williams still hasn’t hasn’t scored a single TD, once again get fucked Luke.
Saints vs Cowboys:
Yikes. No other words. The Cowboys were supposed to be dominant and have a home game win versus the Saints and just everything went wrong. It feels pretty obvious the Dallas run game is non-existent which adds pressure to the pass game, but when you only have one really good receiver it allows defenses to make your offense predictable. Add that with the fact that the defense took a step back and this team feels like an early contender for most overrated. Alvin Kamara decided to play like a rookie and smoke that Cowboy pack, and Derek Carr and Co. turned 11 receptions into 243 yards which feels illegal. Forgive me if I’m not on the hype train yet, but the Saints beat a team that has clearly had serious regression, so I would want to give them a few more weeks before we call them contenders. From an eye test perspective though (and that is what we are all about) they look calculated and competitive.
49ers vs Vikings:
We will keep going on the upset train with Sam Darnold and the Vikings beating the 49ers somehow. This game honestly didn’t make sense, both teams played solid and somehow that equaled a Viking win. All I know is our editor-in-chief Sam was watching Sam Darnold with his hands in his pants all game wondering where this guy was back in 2018 for the Jets.
Giants vs Commanders:
How do you lose to a team that scores no TDs but instead kicks 7 field goals. The fact most Giants fans spent their time celebrating the Cowboys getting battered and Saquon fucking up tells you all you need to know about this dumpster fire.
Falcons vs Eagles:
The play calling from the Eagles reminds me of when I play Madden at 3 am drunk and decide to make decisions that defy logic. The Eagles played fine for the most part, but some dumb coaching decisions, Saquon forgetting how to catch a ball, and the eagles defense turning into my game on a Friday night at the bar (nonexistent), you got a team that ain’t gonna win much. Big congrats to Kirk Cousins on winning in prime time and for Darnell Mooney for making the Eagles corners his bitches in like 2 plays.
To show that the world is full of over-reactions, I wanted to add some betting odds for different statistical props for the start of the season and show you who is currently leading them:
Most Passing Yards: CJ Stroud (+550)
Current Leader: Brock Purdy (was +1500)
Most Passing TDs: Patrick Mahomes (+500)
Current Leader: Baker Mayfield/Derek Carr (were both +2000)
Most Rushing Yards: Christian McCaffrey (+300)
Current Leader: JK Dobbins (was +8000)
Most Receiving Yards: Tyreek Hill (+500)
Current Leader: Nico Collins (was +2000)
Two weeks into the season is a great time for people to start overreacting to things and call all types of bullshit “new trends”, but anyone with a brain knows that most of these above current leaders will not be atop the standings when the season and ends, and moreover most of the preseason favorites will most likely end up closer to the goal than those currently in the lead. Treat shit like this the same way you should treat dating, use your head not your heart.
