FROM THE COUCH:
Notre Dame is Overrated, Boston College is Cool, Colorado is High, Saquon’s Revenge, I Love Cooper, and More
Mike Leitao ~ 09/11/2024
The NFL regular season kicked off in full force this past weekend and you can feel it in the air that sports are back. Although we’ve had baseball all summer and college football for the last couple weeks, that first week of the NFL season is the real start of the sports year. And as it does every year, hundreds of thousands of sports articles will tell you what fantasy players are good and which are busts, what each team needs to do to win, what advanced underlying metrics are good to determine the Super Bowl champion. All of those shitty articles are tainting the truth behind sports, no one cares that player X is actually really good because his projected air yards per attempt over his pressure rate put him as a top 5 quarterback. More often than not, the eye test is much better than any data-caused news flash, when a player looks good or shitty, they are normally good or shitty. So it is my mission to provide the world with what it really needs in regards to sports media, no bullshit takes that you would hear with your buddies on an afternoon just watching the games.
Northern Illinois vs Notre Dame:
Let’s start it off with some college ball. One word, yikes. Playing at home versus Northern Illinois, who is a nobody school, and your QB plays like me on a Saturday after a few too many beers. There might be nothing I love more than laughing at what has consistently been one of the most overhyped schools every year, call them the Cowboys of the NCAA. Oh and I guess congrats Northern Illinois, I’m sure this game will be your huge recruiting point for the next 10 years as you struggle to get any commits, so great job on at least something of relevance.
Boston College vs Florida State:
Let’s go back to back on overrated bum ass teams. We were the real national champions last year, we got snubbed, blah blah blah, shut the hell up. This game was brutal and the offense made me feel dumber the more I watched it. How do you get dogged by a QB that didn’t even do anything all game? It's embarrassing. Boston College is cool though and they actually looked solid, always fun when random schools end up being competent.
Colorado vs Nebraska:
Last college game, though I wanna talk less about the game and more about the fact that I hate Colorado. I bet on them to win and then they played like they smoked 20 pounds of weed before the game. Also I don’t care how good this Nebraska freshman QB is. He worships Patrick Mahomes. It's really creepy and cringe, so I hope he blows.
Ravens vs Chiefs:
NFL football kicking off with a banger of a game. Y’all remember when Derrick Henry scored the first TD of the game and we thought him and Lamar would be a crazy rush duo but then Lamar remembered he can’t throw accurately for shit and ran the ball 16 times? Yeah that was fun. As good of a game as it was, it was really only entertaining when the Ravens were on offense, the Chiefs offense is actually so not fun to watch, it’s sad. And if you think the Ravens were cheated by the refs, shut up, I have no doubt it will get much much worse throughout the season.
Packers vs Eagles:
A game in Brazil is absolutely wild. Saquon Barkley instantly proving the Giants made a mistake in keeping Daniel Jones over him was top-tier comedy. The field absolutely sucked, but I feel like that’s the case every time NFL teams play internationally, so are we really even surprised? Jalen Hurts looked pretty mid at best and watching the tush push fail was also hilarious and proves people complaining and saying it needed to be banned are mentally challenged. Jordan Love's injury was brutal but anyone saying Jalen Carter hurt him on purpose is also mentally challenged. Outside of Eagles fans, if you weren’t rooting for Malik Willis to absolutely nail the Hail Mary you ain’t a real football fan.
Patriots vs Bengals:
If you tuned into this game and are not a Bengals or Patriots fan, I want to know what is wrong with you. Bengals play like shit which isn’t surprising as they always suck in the beginning of the season for no logical reason. Patriots stay seeming like a well-coached team that will make every game somewhat competitive, which is also not surprising. A boring and uneventful game between these two, also not surprising.
Titans vs Bears:
Blowing a 17-point lead is embarrassing. Blowing a 17-point lead to a team who’s starting QB looked awful and threw for less than 100 yards is even more embarrassing. Blowing a 17-point lead to a team that had 177 total offensive yards and scored no touchdowns might be one of the most embarrassing things of all time. Nothing more can even be said about the all around effort of everyone in this game, it was bad.
Panthers vs Saints:
Bryce Young might be one of the worst QBs ever. Dude just looks like actual trash all the time. I can't believe the panthers made such an awful move that has set them back ages. The Saints looked great, no denying it, but I think my local middle school team would look great versus the Panthers, so not sure if we should trust it yet. (Side note, in my dynasty fantasy league we got a guy with Bryce Young who then just took Caleb Williams in the first round this year while I got Jayden Daniels, get fucked Luke).
Rams vs Lions:
Game of the year? Nah, but it was a pretty good game. Loved seeing Jamison Williams actually play like a first round pick. The Detroit offense looked solid even though arguably their two best offensive receivers were quiet. Mathew Stafford is that guy and I love Cooper Kupp more than I love myself. Imagine how great this game would’ve been with Aaron Donald still around. Everyone who made such a big deal about Kyren Williams being a punt returner must feel dumb, bro played like shit and was still out there all game. Another reminder I love Cooper Kupp.
