Deconstructing Racist Casinos
Mike Leitao ~ 01/24/2024
As everyone knows, I am a hateful man. There are many more things that I hate compared to what I enjoy. Some may say that’s a sad life to live, I say grow up and realize the world has more bad than good in it and move on. One thing on my long list of hates that is truthfully near the top is casinos. Now I already know what you are thinking, you either think I’m a good soul who thinks gambling is a sin and doesn’t want that sin in the world or I’m someone who is a historically bad bettor and always loses money at the casino. The first thought is just wrong, do better. The second thought is technically true, my casino luck is basically nonexistent, but I’m a dawg when it comes to sports betting so I’m fine on that front. Casinos are simply just garbage, and honestly I will never understand people who enjoy them.
First things first, any place you can openly smoke indoors is instantly a shithole. I know not all casinos still allow indoor smoking, but most of the ones by me do which means those are the ones I see. Listen, you wanna smoke eight packs a day, be my guest, I don’t care what people choose to put in their body. But cigs smell like shit, the smoke chokes you, and in an indoor room the thick smog engulfs you the entire time you are there. That is simply not an enjoyable time. The other major annoyance is the zombies that spend almost every waking second at the casino wasting every bit of money they have and then some. Again, if that’s what you want to do with your life, you do you. But man, when I’m at a casino just dicking around and there are people banging on the slot machines, crying on the floor, or yelling like they are about to shoot up the place I got to be honest, it really kills the vibe. Even with all that being said, if you gave me a smoking free casino that had no zombie like people in it, hell it could be fully empty for all I care, I would still hate it. The reason is a very simple one. I will die on the hill that the casino is racist towards me.
Anytime shithole people like that, who would rather verbally abuse an away fan than cheer on their own team as they are winning a playoff game, get banned it makes game day experiences just a little better. So yeah, no one is going to pretend and deny that there are some really awful Philly fans out there in this world who are not only pieces of shit, but loud pieces of shit. But at the same time, every fanbase has those types of fans, but for some reason Philly is the town that gets put on blast the most. I would argue fans in New York are worse than Philly, but because of their market size they get passed over for being dicks all the time while anything one Philly fan does that is bad gets the entire city called garbage. But the real truth is that the fans of this city are just passionate, and when they want to show it, they show it in full force.
That’s a wild statement I know, so allow me to shine some color on why I think this. I have been to the casino only 2 times in my life. The first time I walked in with $200 dollars and the second time I walked in with $100 dollars. I left both those trips with $0. Now I went on those trips with my girlfriend, who just so happens to be Korean (this is an important fact). She walked in with $20 on the first trip and $50 on the second trip. She walked out of the first trip with $200 and the second trip with $100. For those of you who never graduated 8th grade math, I came out negative $300 while she came out positive $230. My girlfriend basically only plays the Asian slot machine games, which we always joke about being better luck for her. And to be honest, with her insane luck on them it’s hard to say it’s still a joke. I’ve seen her hit many of the bonus or extra spins on these games and when she does, she always wins decent to good money off of it. Meanwhile, when I play the Asian games I have never once gotten the bonus spin. I’ve sunk money into those games thinking that they are the move, always to have the Chinese Dragon say fuck you and never give me shit. You might be thinking, oh try the non-Asian games then. First off, if you’ve ever been to a casino, you would know like over half the games are Asian themed. Secondly, I’ve done all the types of slot machines and they all don’t give me shit but somehow give my girlfriend all the money. We were both playing a game (I don’t remember what, I feel like there were bunnies) and I finally got the bonus spin. For the first time I had it and I was so excited. I then proceeded to only win 8 dollars on it. My girlfriend then got the bonus spin for the same game, and she won 40. I’m convinced the cameras at the casino aren’t to watch for people counting cards or cheating, they serve only purpose. To find white guys like me and make sure they don’t win shit while everyone else gets money galore.
So as I like to do with things I hate, I have a simple pitch to fix casinos and make them perfect. First rule, all smoking must be done in a small 10 x 10 enclosed box. The fumes would go crazy and I would expect multiple deaths a day from it, you know what they say, smoking kills. Second rule, anyone banging on machines or cursing at staff or the machines gets put inside one of those weird genie machines that are super creepy. That feels like a fair punishment to me. My third and final new rule, all games will be removed of their theming. I want rows and rows of simple grey slot machines that have no shiny colors or flashing lights or any racial theming. You push a button, numbers spin, and you either win or lose. If you are wondering, yes I just both colonized and unified machines, you are welcome, America.
