Black And Yellow Piles Of Shit
Mike Leitao ~ 10/21/2024
Fall is in the air. The leaves are changing colors. The girls are all drinking pumpkin spice lattes. The weather makes you feel like you need three different outfits depending on what time of day you go out. With fall also comes a change in the insects that pester us during our time outdoors. One such insect that disappears is the dreaded bee. I hate all bees. Wasps, hornets, regular, bumble, I don’t care what type of bee they identify with, I don’t fuck with them. The very minor positives they technically offer, which I do not care about at all, is nowhere near enough of an offset for how incredibly annoying they are. So let’s get the positives out of the way, yes I know they pollinate which is important to growing new plants and all the positives that come with plants, but plants are not relevant to me. Best case scenario, I see a flower and go “that’s a pretty flower”. Also, fake flowers need no attention and don’t die which makes them inherently better. Secondly, they produce honey, which is one of the most overrated food items in the world. Honey is not the game changer people make it out to be. It’s at best a mid addition to food while at its worst it absolutely overpowers and ruins what could’ve been a delicious meal. Now that the incredibly below average “positives” are out of the way, let’s dissect each type of bee on why they suck.
Regular Bee:
“Oh well actually there are many different types of bee so saying regular bee doesn’t actually mean anything”. Shut up no one cares. Your everyday bee is what we are talking about, the type that can sting but dies when it does. These bees suck and I will not let anyone tell me otherwise. These bees are like your annoying ex that you don’t block for some reason so she keeps bugging you when all you want is for her to sting you a little so she dies. These bees can fly and experience the whole world, but they would rather spend their time at eye level buzzing all around your face and beer and being a general nuisance. Then you swat at them the same way you do with flies but for some odd reason the bees are bulky and even when you backhand them hard as hell they still keep coming back. But when they come back, they aren’t even trying to scrap with you, they just continue to be annoying as hell.
You hit a point of bees flying around buzzing and not leaving you alone that you are ready for the fight to the death, either hit that bitch so hard it dies on the spot or get it angry enough that it finally suicide dives you and ends its own life. But even then, they still just choose to be annoying but not actually do anything, like your drunk friend at the bar who if he got into a real fight would cry and probably call it his most traumatic experience ever. So at the end of the day, what even really is a bee if not just a more annoying and resilient fly, and everyone hates flies.
Bumblebees:
But, but, but bumble bees don’t sting people or really bother them. They just be pollinating and shit. Although yes, you are correct, a bumblebee is not the type of threat that other bees are, it does not change the fact that I still don’t fuck with them. There is honestly almost nothing I hate more than when I’m outside cutting the grass and all the sudden I hear a buzzing sound fly by my ear that is so loud I get war flashbacks to the bombings. Similar to regular bees, I just feel like bumblebees do not mind their own business for bees that don’t sting. They are very bold to be up in my grill being loud as fuck as if I couldn’t beat their asses and there is nothing they could do about it. Also, why are they fuzzy? It’s very off-putting. I don’t want no fuzzy bee buzzing all up in my ear like we are friends. Bumblebees are like the harmless weird kid in school that wasn’t causing any trouble then one day you talk to them and find out they are mad weird but now that you’ve initiated contact with them they think y’all are besties and won’t leave you alone. Sure, bumblebees can be called the best bee, who cares. But at the end of the day being the best out of a pile of shit doesn’t change the fact you are still a pile of shit.
Wasps/Hornets:
You may ask yourself, what is the difference between a wasp and a hornet? My response would be, you are reading this article online, go google it, the fuck? I don’t know the difference between the two and frankly, and I don’t care, they are both evil. These bees are like the dudes who walk around the city with black Air Force ones on, you just know their only purpose in life is to try and fight someone. The fact these bees don’t die when they sting you instantly makes dealing with them a million times worse. Unlike regular bees who might be annoying if flying around you but are generally harmless or at worst a very small sting of annoyance, these boys are straight up menaces. They will sting you, fuck your girl, sting you again, then steal your car. They are the thugs of the bee world. Even other bees don’t fuck with them cause they know that’s the wrong crowd to be with. I mentioned earlier that bumblebees doing drive-by buzzings are awful, but one thing that is definitely worse than that is when you are just cutting the grass and you unknowingly pass by a wasp nest. And those bitches get so pissed at the sound of the lawnmower that every time you pass them more come out to fuck you up. Then you finally finish and go look in the area and find the hive, but they weren’t messing with your presence so they sting you some more. Finally, you go out at dusk with your wasp spray ready to gas those fuckers up, but even when you do, at least one always manages to sneak out and get you for your troubles. Then, at the end of the day, you end up with one dead nest that gets rebuilt somehow by more aggressive wasps or hornets the following week and a shit ton of stings that make you feel like shit. Wasps and hornets provide no benefit, they straight up are on this earth to cause inconveniences and problems. Anyone who likes wasps and hornets should be reported to the local authorities so we can arrest them before they end up trying to poison random people or some other psycho behavior.
If this can’t convince you bees suck, then do me a favor and go sit in your local park under a beehive all day and let me know after if you still like bees. And if you do, and still think I’m wrong and shortsighted, I will be sure to respond to you professionally with me curbstomping a beehive and sending you videos of bees getting absolutely obliterated by those electric fly swatters to make sure you fully understand my point that bees are the scum of the animal kingdom.
