Animals Are So Smart
Sam Sykes ~ 03/28/2025
I stole this list and its order from the BBC, with the addition of whales and pigs at the end. These are the animals the modern world accepts as being hyper-intelligent and purely brilliant. This list actually had humans ranked number 10, and I don’t know if that was a joke or not with the anti-human sentiment running through mainstream media outlets. Here at Riot Club we are trying to be more understanding and appealing to a broad range of audiences, especially animal lovers. So without further delay, here is our smartest animals list:
Chimps
Monkeys are basically calculators from the 1980s and we are like the newest iPhone, we’re similar, but they’re really just a fucked up version of humans. Everyone acts like they are so amazing but they really just masterbate and throw shit all day. I usually don’t find myself agreeing with PETA, but people shouldn’t be allowed to own pit bulls let alone monkeys. Take ‘em all!
Dolphins
Everyone acts like it’s such a tragedy that these fancy fish are kept in captivity (Yes, I know they’re mammals), but who cares if they dance in a tank all day? It’s better than being out in the wild and spending every waking moment trying to survive. The idea of “freedom” for these animals is a fantasy. It’s like one of us being on a desert island or Naked and Afraid, it would be a fucking nightmare, not liberating. I’ll believe they’re geniuses when they thank us for all the fish and flee the Earth.
Octopus
I saw the documentary My Octopus Teacher about that South African dork that befriended an octopus while free diving in the Cape of Good Hope. I wasn’t impressed. Yeah they’re cool and they can change color, but ultimately they’re nothing special, just weird shit that tastes awesome grilled with some lemon and pepper.
Just a side note, that dork said he loved the octopus and considered it his good friend, but didn’t protect it against a tiny little Pyjama shark that took one of its arms and almost killed it because he wanted to “let nature be”. Some friend huh?
Dogs
I think I’m starting to get a reputation as a dog (and dog owner) hater, and it’s basically true. But I will give credit where it’s due, real working dogs are very important. Police dogs, seeing eye dogs, and farm dogs can be a great resource and helping hand to the human race… But can we all agree that “emotional support animals” are retarded and 99.9% bullshit? Dogs are just for lonely women, low-T men, or for killing your girlfriend's baby fever.
Orangutans
The second monkey on this list, just copy and paste the chimps section here. I am, however, surprised that an endangered animal can be considered smart. I mean all they have to do is eat and fuck and they can’t even figure that out. At least dogs have figured out they can secure their future through love slavery. Can we all just admit that Orangutans are not just the literal gingers of the monkey world, but also the metaphorical gingers. Soulless and impossible to love.
Crows and Ravens
I tried figuring out the difference between these two, but there’s nothing worth mentioning. Finally, a cool animal, dark, ominous, and can repeat any offensive or racist words you teach it. Probably, the only thing on this list that I can’t bitch about.
Parrots
These guys are just gay ravens.
Bumblebees
I think this is a classic mistake passing observers often make, confusing incredible evolutionary talent forged over the last 100 million years with inherent intelligence. Bees are not smart, but amazing communicators with one another and their hive. Their tenacious and seemingly endless activity coupled with hard work makes them admirable, but not smart.
Gorillas
Holy shit another monkey on this list, it feels like the BBC was really phoning it in with this list. And why did I have to add whales and pigs after this? Just lazy. Anyways, I’d love to see gorilla fighting like how they do cock fighting. You could gamble on the winners and get wasted while watching these big bad motherfuckers rip each other to shreds. If you think this is morally reprehensible, why don’t you go spend five minutes with a gorilla without bulletproof glass between you and see how long you last.
Whales
Make great fuel for lamps. It’s a good thing we stopped hunting these guys no matter how cool the culture of the industry was. Whales are a cool sight and don’t deserve the loser status that orangutans have. Humpback whales didn’t go extinct because they suck, it's humanity's fault, so they get a pass.
Pigs
I thought including pigs would be the right thing to do considering I eat pork almost daily. These fat and pink geniuses are essential to a BLT, otherwise you would just have an LT which is an abomination. Pork chops, hot dogs, pulled pork, Easter ham, carnitas, pork belly, and of course… King Bacon. I don’t care how smart they are when they taste like that.
Well, that’s it. I hope all you animal lovers are happy, I did this for you. How about we now spend some time appreciating humans for being so smart we can’t even be considered ‘animals’.
