American Nightmare Mall
Mike Leitao ~ 10/28/2024
Malls are an integral part of American culture. The great shopping center is synonymous with America and if you’ve ever been to any of the major malls of America you would’ve noticed tourists from other countries are also there to experience it. Malls like King of Prussia, the largest mall by retail space, have so many different stores in so many different departments combined with multiple food options that someone with cash to burn could spend thousands of dollars and many hours there. Or you could look at the Mall of America, the largest total area mall which has its own amusement park inside of it, which makes a trip a true all-day event as opposed to a quick shopping trip. You can also just spend hours in malls people-watching. Seeing all the people throughout these malls is always a guarantee you will see some type of unique individual that peaks your interest. As great as some of these malls are, there is no clearer example of proof that not all malls are created equal as the American Dream mall in New York (technically New Jersey but that shouldn’t even be a real state, so who cares).
Firstly, let’s just start with the location. I’ve shit on New York a lot in the past but in fairness this isn’t shitting on New York really. Being located right off the Jersey turnpike seems like a good idea at first, but using just a lick of intelligence helps you realize that’s actually an awful idea. By being right off the turnpike you cause traffic into and out of the mall because there is one route in and one route out. That makes getting into and out of the mall ass, but also can create annoying traffic on the turnpike in both directions which is just trash for everyone. Also, the parking for American Dream makes me wish we never invented cars. Trying to navigate your vehicle into the tight parking garage without hitting anything while also trying to find a singular parking spot means you end up spending more time in your car in and around the mall than you do actually in the mall. You have New York traffic right next to it which can cause more issues on the turnpike and it is right next to MetLife Stadium, meaning whenever there is an event there, everyone is cooked, and you have a shit-flow of people for what is in truth, a shit mall.
Once you finally deal with the hell of getting into the mall, you realize all that work was 100% not worth it. Let’s start with the layout, it’s shit. There really isn’t much more to say, the layout of the mall is illogical. Using King of Prussia as an example, it’s a 3-story mall that has specific sections that make it easy to know where you are at any point. They also have multiple maps throughout the mall that can help you get to your destination very easily. Then you look at American Dream and it makes you want to cry. There is no directory or map to help you travel, it’s three floors but there are like two escalators in the entire mall you can use to move floors so have fun running around just for an escalator to get to the store you need since you are basically just guessing and hoping. Adding to the shitty layout is the food court. Mall food courts are almost the most important part of a good mall. Going and getting good, cheap Chinese food that they fill the styrofoam so full you can’t believe it doesn’t break is an American staple. But at American Dream you have a bunch of fancier bullshit options that no one would go to a mall to eat, they would just go to a pizzeria or a ramen restaurant. The fact that I can’t go and get my cheap Chinese combo almost makes me feel that American Dream shouldn’t be called a mall. Playing into the shit layout is that the floors of American Dream are covered with all types of bullshit. Between every three steps you have a vendor set up in the middle of the walkway selling some bullshit or trying to bully or scam people out of their money. It makes an already crowded mall even more inconvenient to walk through.They have little scooters that parents rent out for their demon children so now you are trying to navigate an overcrowded mall with tight spaces to walk without getting your knees chopped off by a little spoiled brat.
One thing American Dream tried to take from the Mall of America was having rides/an amusement park in their mall, so stops here are more like a full day trip as opposed to a quick couple hour shopping trip. The only issue is that the amusement park at American Dream sucks. There are maybe five rides in total and the park is tucked away in a dim corner of the mall, so much so, that you are mostly likely to stumble into it by accident. Honestly, when you go to the amusement park it just makes you depressed. Even the kids who don’t know anything about depression and life don’t even look like they are having a fun time. Half the time, the only rides that look somewhat decent are closed so your five ride options ends up being like two, and they are both so ass, it would be more fun to just ride the escalator up and down. There is also a water park at the mall but let’s be real here, who is going to deal with the awful traffic and parking to get to American Dream to go experience a below average water park. They also have an ice rink but see the above sentence on why that means absolutely nothing to me.
The American Dream mall is a picture perfect example of how some malls are just ass. But unlike most ass malls that have more to do with location and not having enough stores to warrant a trip, American Dream struggles in its own unique ways. Between the pain in the ass it is to get to, the awful time you have trying to navigate it, and the fact that all the extra “activities” at the mall are complete shit, it makes the American Dream seem more like an American nightmare.
