America Rules And The World Sucks
Sam Sykes ~ 11/5/2024
If you’ve read my writing before, you know that I have been very quick to criticize and jeer my beautiful home country of America. For election day, I thought that I would celebrate how awesome the United States is. It’s obvious that we’re the greatest place on Earth, so I think it would be more beneficial to talk less about America and more about just how shitty everyone else is.
France
The habitual cowardice of frogs knows no bounds, it took six weeks for them to give up against the Nazis, and we had to come in and clean up the mess. You’re welcome, by the way. Their women are always 10s until you discover the one feature, like fucked up teeth, short Bieber hair, or a body like Jack Skellington, that knocks them all back to a 6. We get it, you love smoking and wearing marinière shirts. Modern France has a 46-year-old dude running shit while he’s married to his 71-year-old wife he met while she was his teacher in high school.
Nordic Region
There’s no point in delineating between the different counties in this area, they’re all the same. I’m not sure if it’s because all the women are beautiful there (the Vikings stole all the babes from Scotland), but men of the north are awfully weird. Like metrosexuals in their tight clothes and spiked hair. I think these dudes have been spoiled by the class of women in their country, so they just don’t know how lucky they are. I will give them props though, I do love saunas and Ikea.
New Zealand
Kiwis are basically just Australians bitchy little brothers. Always eager to separate themselves from people that are just a quick boat ride away and basically the same. The Haka looks cool before rugby games, but is pretty cringe and embarrassing in any other setting.
Africa
I think it’s safe to say, while Africa is a very diverse country ethnically, religiously, technologically, and environmentally, it’s basically all shit. The whole continent has AIDS… Well, maybe not the whole continent, but 1 in 30 have it, so basically everyone. The food is pretty gross, big buckets filled with lukewarm sludge and floating goat carcasses is not necessarily Michelin star. Technology has been received very oddly in Africa, with some regions trying to recreate innovations that already exist like airplanes or Iphones, with little success. Areas without modern conveniences are still ravished by tribal war and senseless violence, while the areas with Wi-Fi pursue internet scams and blackmail schemes.
Greece
Why are the buildings so white? It seems like a total headache to own one of these places that needs to be power-washed every five minutes. I don’t know if it's the shitty seafood or hairy chicks that have made the men in power run the economy into the ground, but it’s certainly been something to watch. Earlier this year, my managing editor Mike Leitao, wrote a great piece on Greece’s harebrained attempts to rebuild their economy, what a disaster. The coolest thing about this place is the purchasing power of the American dollar and those mean old ladies that are incredibly wrinkly and wear that hood thing.
Japan
There’s a lot of nice things I could say about Nippon, but this isn’t a nice travel article about the beauty and splendor of far away lands, but a scathing attack on the world. That being said, we should call Japan the virgin islands, with all of their boy-love and tentacle porn cartoons. The only thing scarier than their sex lives is the food, and I’m not talking about the mainstream foods like noodles or American-style sushi, but the gross indescribable seafood. I really don’t understand the salaryman of Japan, why do they all dress exactly the same and look so miserable all the time? It seems like a sad existence in a country full of cool experiences.
Mexico
Stay on the resort folks. The minute you step off the high security, heavily-curated beauty of a Mexican beach resort, it’s hell on Earth. Wild dogs roaming around like you’re in an apocalyptic wasteland. The roving bands of gangs riding in armed third-world pickup trucks wreak havoc on the local population and any tourist they can find. Kidnapping and sex trafficking galore.
Thailand
Staying on the topic of sex trafficking, Thailand is often praised for its natural beauty and amazing beaches, and for the most part that’s true. But if we examine any of the urban areas, we see a big cesspool of disgusting pollution and even more revolting nocturnal activities. Just so you know, if you can have sex with a child for 10 bucks, things probably aren’t going so well in your country. Just saying.
So there you have it, everyone else sucks!
