9 Things About Guys
Sam Sykes ~ 11/19/2024
Women just don’t seem to understand us men. Even the ones that try to switch teams end up looking like really weird clones of Justin Bieber. I’ve heard them bitch and complain about the isolation they feel after becoming dudes, but the truth is, they just don’t know what they’re getting into. Guys are really not that complicated, we keep it as simple and stupid (by choice) as possible. Here are ten things about dudes:
9. A Shoulder To Cry On
If you are looking for emotional support, someone to lean on with your insecurities, a person to be there for you and hold you tight when enduring tough times, men are not the answer. We try our best to manage this with our wives and children, but it really doesn’t extend much further than that. When a chick throws up after a night of boozing, the most sober of the girls will hold her hair and rub her back, fetching her water and anything else the alcohol-poisoned chick might need. With men, there’s two ways it could go. First, the guy throws up and we all laugh our asses off at him. The second, and less preferred way, is the guy is a dickhead that can’t control himself and he pukes on a carpet, couch, or something else that is a bitch to clean. In the case of option two, he is promptly beaten, and laughed about later. Cry around you buddies, and they’ll never let you live it down. When they say “no man is an island”, they’re wrong, we’re just islands with different trade agreements and peace/war treaties.
8. Illiteracy
Men don’t read. Well, a few of us do, but the overwhelming majority avoid books like blankets covered in smallpox (Ironically, they wouldn’t get this reference either). It’s overwhelmingly common to talk to a 30-year-old dude that hasn’t read a book since high school. I’d say about half the college graduates that I know never read a book while attending university. They may have paged through a few of the required readings in search of answers to the homework they couldn’t find on the internet, but most haven’t gone cover to cover in years.
7. YouTube
Bros be YouTubin’. This is one that women always seem to be confused about. Men like to watch videos of things being built, buildings being demolished, complex processes being explained, or historical battles being recreated. I really don't have an explanation for this, we just like watching cool shit.
6. If A Tree Falls In The Woods
If a tree slips on a banana peel like an old-timey cartoon on his way into the office, does his wife hear about it? Probably not, if he’s a man about it. It’s inevitable that our ladies and kids will see us do stupid and embarrassing shit, but we shouldn’t subject ourselves to more ridicule by choice. After all, we need to command some measure of respect. Hey ladies, chances are your man has, at some point, made a three stooges style fuck up, and he definitely laughs about it with his friends, just not you. Sorry.
5. Bits
Guys always answer the phone with some kind of comedy bit. “What do you want you fuckin’ piece of shit?” “Why are you calling me here? My wife is in the other room.” “Hi, I wanted to talk to you about your car’s warranty”. Just a few examples of how we choose to answer the phone. I have never heard a lady do it the same way.
4. Punching
I love the endless videos of getting “corrected” by a cop that she put her hands on. Chicks really don’t understand the constant threat of violence that looms over us at all times. They act like they are weaker and preyed on by men, and that’s true to a degree, but the main piece they are missing is all of the men that are standing in front of her and protecting her from constant danger. I mean look at lady-cops, completely useless, a total burden to real law enforcement officers. Everything we do at work and in public has violence as an option, and we remember that.
3. Loyalty
Real men talk about each other in very odd ways from a ladies point-of-view. We will say the worst things to one another, attacking race, gender, ugliness, poverty, and stupidity. We are constant in our takedowns and roasts of one another, right to each other's faces. On the flip side, when asked about what we think of a buddy, the only answer is “He’s a good guy”. Chicks are the opposite, they’ll call each other queens and beautiful to each other’s faces and in the comments section, but behind their backs it gets dark.
2. Emaciated Weirdos
When we see a commercial with extremely thin Africans starving to death, we open our hearts and our wallets to them. Who wouldn’t stop this for the price of a cup of coffee a month? But for some reason, we also pay millions for similarly emaciated chicks to walk around in the most impractical clothes ever. What guy finds these weird sci-fi monsters attractive? The real women haters are other women. Basically. men will take any chick that doesn’t have excessively thinning hair.
1. Piss
This one is for all the newly-minted trannies. If you must look and dress like Bieber, at least get the details right. All men know the phenomenon of that last drop of piss creating that quarter-sized wet spot on the crotch even after shaking that motherfucker like crazy.
