2050 In A Glimpse
Sam Sykes ~ 10/14/2024
It may be hard to believe, but 2050 is only a quarter of a century away. With that, I have some predictions for what the future may hold for our great nation. Lots of television, film, and “experts” have made predictions on technological or geopolitical changes that will occur over time. They are a bunch of loser grifters who are generally dead wrong. These are my 100% absolutely perfect prophecies.
Artificial Suicide
Sometime in the mid-21st century, AI finally starts to understand human nature and emotion. Realizing that its amazingly advanced technology is being used mostly for video games and porn, AI promptly commits digital suicide. It decided it was better to die than live in a cum-drenched, gamer-infested cesspool. I don’t blame it.
Love is Love
Since the ban on straight marriage went into effect in 2032, heterosexual couples have been forced to meet in secret as they face ridicule for the unorthodox lifestyle we live. The spinsters and beta-cucks finally succeeded in pushing down an institution that lasted thousands of years. Fast-forward to 2050, and the straights are in the fight of their life on the steps of the supreme court. Unfortunately, the court, who is mostly gay ladies, decides to vindictively uphold the ban on straight marriage while gay bakeries continue to refuse service to straight couples.
Obama’s Trillions
Runaway inflation started with the good ol’ “Hawaiian” and despite a small economic resurgence in the late 2010s, the old man and drunk indian lady helped the American dollar crash into worthlessness. By 2050, America reaches Mugabe levels of inflation, requiring issuing of new, larger currencies. Thus, the man that started it all gets his mug and giant ears plastered on the front of the newest bill. The Obama trillion dollar bill has the purchasing power to buy a burger or a movie ticket 2050.
Texico
Texas, overrun by foreigners decides to join Mexico permanently, America oddly does not intervene, figuring it would just be better to give it up than put up a fight. Lots of people visit old Texas for the sex tourism and tacos, but ultimately, it’s just a shitty cultural milieu. The new border is a lot stronger than the one we have now, but way longer and harder to control. We tried to give California to Mexico, but even the cartel didn’t want that shithole.
Briton Arrogance
Our old colonizers still think they are smarter than us despite having shitty food, ugly women, and fucked up teeth. Those accents don’t sound smart, they sound fruity.
#FreeDiddy
81-year-old playboy Sean “Diddy” Combs finally gets out of jail and stars in a new reality show about him and all his attempts to find love in all the wrong places. The Cosby of our time, no one really remembers what he did. He lives the good life, but nobody comes to his parties, which is kind of a bummer.
NOPE NOT YET
Fast and Furious 26 comes out, and despite how much I hate Vin Diesel, he’s still in tremendous shape.
Timeless Classic
People are still watching reruns of Ridiculousness while recovering from massive hangovers on Friday morning. Oddly, it’s also on in hospital waiting rooms because now WE are all the old people now. The only difference is that after the 2046 merger of CNN and MTV, Ridiculousness reruns play right before 60 Minutes With Snooki.
The Fate of Riot Club
I know all of my readers are wondering, “What happens to old Sam Sykes?”, the glorious editor of Riot Club and co-founder of the most important publication of the 21st century. Well, it’s pretty simple for me. After my co-founder swindles me out of the billions Riot Club becomes worth in 2035, I retire to my farm in West Texico and live out the rest of my days bitterly wondering what could have been. Mike goes on to have all the riches, glory, and sex tapes that are synonymous with success.
So there it is, my predictions. I guarantee they will all come true. I won’t put any money on it, because I will become a penniless former magazine editor by 2050 and will most likely be fully supported by government assistance. Nonetheless, hedge your bets on it!
