1st-Team All-Party
Sam Sykes ~ 10/3/2024
Obama once invited the Dos Equis guy to a party at Camp David, shockingly low IQ. Did the president not know that he wasn’t actually “The Most Interesting Man In The World”, but an elderly Jewish dude from the Bronx? Embarrassing! What the fuck could they have talked about? Being in a commercial? This had me thinking about what notable people I would kill to meet. I came up with a few people that I would love to roll with on a night out. One day, when this publication is raking in millions, I promise, I will gather all of these badass motherfuckers together for a night of hardcore partying.
The Worm
Dennis Rodman is an obvious choice for this list. Fuck his hall of fame basketball career, that’s the least interesting thing about him. Rodman is an absolute party animal and funny as shit. The dude was banging Madonna in the 90s, and even turned down an offer of $20 million to impregnate her. Afterwards he had a quickie marriage to Carmen Electra, became boys with Donald Trump, and visited North Korea on several occasions. He is probably the real “most interesting man in the world”, most of us will never experience even one of the badass things he’s gotten to do. The man knows how to live. He would be a cornerstone of the perfect night out.
“Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something.”
The Punching Bag
A little-known fact about assembling the perfect bar squad is that every group needs a guy that can absorb the majority of abuse and insults. It’s like how in dog-fighting they have the shitty dog that the prize fighters fuck up before a real match. If a member of the group gets a bit pissy, it's good to have a dude around that is generally low-IQ and fun to abuse. Vin Diesel would be a perfect fit for this position. He’s stupid and everyone hates him, which makes him a fun little idiot to keep around. He’ll dance an inappropriate amount and strike out with every woman he talks to. A clown that probably dresses like an MMA fighter and wears a retarded amount of cologne, he’s an easy pick for the crew.
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The Authoritarian
It’s always a good idea to have someone in the group that keeps everyone on track through a night of revelry. Boozing can cause the group to unravel, split up, and throw the night into an unorganized mess. That’s why you always need to have a man committed to the cause and unwilling to let anything or anyone fuck with the team. For this position, I chose professional bowler Pete Weber, a crazy, 5’6” son of a bitch with an anger problem. He may end up abusing a bartender, but if anyone gets out of line, he’s the man who cracks the whip.
“Who do you think you are? I am!”
The Big Funny
Every wrecking crew needs a funny fat guy with a history of substance abuse. Unfortunately, Mayor Rob Ford died in 2016 from cancer and years of drug use. But this is a fantasy list, so I can invite whoever the fuck I want. This guy was a treasure trove of soundbites, being the realest dude to ever be in politics.
“If you’re not doing needles and you’re not gay, you won’t get AIDS. Probably.”
The Wild Card
Every crew needs a crazy motherfucker. Someone to push the party to its limits and encourage everybody to let loose. This was a hard job to fill. It should be someone who is clinically insane, and will never be shocked by the crazy things that unfold throughout the night. I surprisingly chose a chick for this spot, one that has partied with the craziest and loves poop, Amber Heard. Her years with Johnny Depp and Elon Musk really made her resume stand out as someone with some real experience with indulgence. Yes, if any of the guys on this list or myself piss her off, we will probably get hit with a revenge shit attack, but that’s the risk of a wild card.
“Models are just mannequins seeking validation at the hands of sleazy fashion people.”
With this lean, mean fighting crew, we would be an unstoppable force on a night out on the town. A perfect balance of intrigue, stupidity, tyranny, obesity, and crazy all working in concert with one another.
