12 Points Of Poison
The Unbearable Fashion Of Modern Men
Sam Sykes ~ 10/10/2024
There are lots of ways to be a complete pussy, but half the battle is showing it. If you’re a guy that likes getting his ass kicked and looking like an idiot to women, there’s a few things you can wear to show your true colors as a total loser. I wrote the down the 12 worst things a dude can wear:
12. Ghetto Basketball Shorts
Appropriate if you are going to play basketball, I guess, but at this point there is no reason to wear them. Gym shorts are different, basketball shorts are gym shorts with shitty trim, logos, and go longer than the knee. They look ridiculous on pretty much anyone that wears them.
11. Fight Brands Bro
This is a tricky one. I guess there is an exemption if you actually are an active MMA fighter, but I’ve found that fight brands are most often worn by middle-aged Floridian douchebags with a temper and a souped-up Subaru with a loud-ass muffler. Shit like TapOut and Affliction should only be worn by MMA guys that can truly back it up.
10. Team Spirit
This is so specific, it almost shouldn’t be on the list, but here goes: If you’re wearing an authentic jersey on any day your team isn’t playing then it just looks lame. People think that if you are into sports, you can’t be a nerd, but there’s tons of dweebs that are obsessed with other men playing with a ball. This rule is especially true if you’re wearing a non-current player on a non-playing day. Gameday, anything goes… But if you are wearing a Chad Ochocinco jersey on a fucking Wednesday you should be taken out behind the shed and shot.
9. Hoodin’
More antisocial than anything, but putting a hood up in public, i.e. the grocery store, the park etc., is a great way to intimidate people. FIrstly, it shows that you are stupid. Unless it's raining or freezing cold there is no point in hoods. Second, it’s weird to see a grown man with his hood up, it has major “random attack” vibes.
8. Rich Desperation
A wife-beater is already stupid, I mean it’s called a “wife-BEATER”. It’s even stupider when I see rich kids wearing them. I guess they are eager to show off all of their new stupid tattoos, but they just end up looking goofy.
7. I Wanna Be Cozy
I don’t think you should wear these even if you are going for a jog. I honestly think these were discovered when some dude shrank a pair of sweatpants in the dryer and tried to pull them off as something new. It will be a recurring theme of this list, but really, why do you need to be comfy? What a bitch word, comfy. Do whatever you want at home, but you really need to be cozy as you take care of business in the real world. Dress like an adult.
6. Duncey Boyz
Accurately described as “the modern-day dunce cap” by Daniel Tosh, flat-brimmed hats immediately lowers everyone’s opinion of you. I don’t see a lot of business leaders, government officials, intellectuals, or anyone else with a slightly below-average IQ or higher wearing these. If you do wear these, I have to break it to you, you’re dumb.
5. Deep ‘V’
Gay dudes can pretty much get away with anything on this list, they aren’t expected to fight or bang chicks so they’re off the hook. That being said, any straight dude wearing a deep ‘V’ should look inward and decide if he likes men. This is a lot more common than you think, “regular” guys walking around with basically an arrow pointed at their dicks. Weird, don’t do it.
4. Fauci Fashion
A young healthy man wearing a mask 5 years after COVID is a great way to show chicks how much of a pussy you are. These guys usually have a litany of mental problems, shitty hair, those weird zip-up sweatshirts, and a shoo-in for oversized basketball shorts. To ladies, these guys look more like school shooters than eligible bachelors.
3. Public Toesposure
It’s funny that the final three items on this list are shoes. I considered making them all one point, but each is just too different. Flip-flops are here at number three, for the simple reason that you cannot possibly be prepared to fight while your gross man toes are out. As men, we are supposed to display preparedness for the worst, and flip-flops are the antithesis of protecting others. If for some reason you are dedicated to wearing them, never, ever wear them with pants, or you run the risk of dressing like an illegal.
2. Silicon Sadness
Crocs are an abomination. Director Mike Judge (“Office Space”, “Silicon Valley”) used the then unreleased Crocs in his 2006 film Idiocracy, because he thought they were the stupidest possible footwear he could find. Unfortunately, his premonition has become true, with everyone owning at least one pair of the silicon shoes. What even he couldn’t predict was the Jibbitz movement that somehow makes them look even dumber. What an embarrassment for our country. Dudes at the bar wearing what is essentially fucking medical clogs.
1. BirkenCOCKS
It was a photo finish between Crocs and Birkenstocks, with the ridiculous hippy commune kicks barely edging out the silicon obesity shoes. I think this is because not every dude that wears Crocs sucks, but you would be hard-pressed to find a non-annoying man wearing Birkenstocks. I mean, really, these are almost as gay as the deep “V”. Avoid at all costs!
