The Fakest of All Jobs
Sam Sykes ~ 08/14/2024
There’s lots of bullshit jobs in the world, and I thought I’d name a few. Some of these jobs, while they have their merits (many in convoluted ways), are mostly just nonsense. Jobs that have too many requirements, undue praise, and pay way too much. Here’s my top ten fakest jobs:
10. Social Workers
Intentions may be good, they may be lovely people, and god knows the fuck-ups they are trying to help are complete dumpster fires. That being said, social work really is useless. Drug addicts seldom change because some well-meaning, middle-aged woman with love handles and a shitty pantsuit implores them to “be their best self” or “do it for their kids”. Endless rehabs and poorly run foster care programs are a great example of our tax dollars being put into a blender and dumped in the toilet.
Fun Fact: 91% of opioid addicts that go to rehab, will relapse.
9. Waiters
Only the nicest restaurants should have a wait staff. Why the fuck are we paying you 15% or more on top of our bill for you to take an order and carry a tray? They get paid the minimum wage, and sorry, but it’s a minimum wage type job. Why is it the patron’s job to pay for the service? At least let us say yes or no to having a waiter. A fucking kiosk could do their job and cost a lot less than 15%. Servers make up one of the least qualified demographics of our society. No skills needed, felons, addicts, illegals, deadbeat dads, and idiots are welcomed by the restaurant industry without background checks.
Fun Fact: 19.1% of workers in food service use drugs
8. Politicians
These ladies and gentlemen work probably less than anyone on this list. The only job that regularly has 80-year-old dudes doddering around. Strokes, heart attacks, and dementia are just a few of the ailments that plague our “leaders” as they fundraise and shore up their reelection campaigns. Of course there are a handful of grinders on both sides of the aisle, but for the most part, hustling is elective, everyone else is just coasting through. They never need to retire, because the job is so fucking easy, it basically IS retirement. I really think that ninety percent of congress could resign and there would not be even the slightest negative impact on the American people.
Fun Fact: The average age of a U.S. Senator is 65.3 years old. Average retirement age for regular Americans is 64.
7. Theater People
Probably the second most insufferable group on this list (teachers being first), the people of the theater world just suck. We’ll leave the very small number of successful producers and actors on Broadway and elsewhere alone for this one, but for the majority of thespians, they’re just plain horrible. So dramatic and loud, these idiots act like they are too confident to care what anyone thinks of them, but we all know that they probably have the most fragile egos. These assholes have started to make their way to number eight on this list (politics). I guess they realized they can be performative and tyrannical, perfect.
Fun Fact: The average theater graduate makes about 35k per year. That’s still probably too much.
6. Veterinarian Technician
I‘m already dubious of veterinarians, I mean, what kind of doctor always has euthanasia in his back pocket? But a vet tech… what kind of job is that? A nurse for stupid fucking dogs. It’s crazy, but those ladies have probably killed more dogs than the worst animal abuser in America. They think their job is compassion, but really, it’s just to reassure dog owners that they are making the right decision as they pump potassium into Rover’s veins. Vet Techs sometimes weigh pets and do clerical work, but really their job is completely irrelevant. The whole career reflects the weak, dog-loving times we live in.
Fun Fact: 11.4% of Vet Techs are men… Embarrassing! That number should be zero. Can you imagine a more humiliating job for a man than to be a Veterinarian’s bitch boy?
5. Fashion Chicks
Fashion is one of those things that still remains driven by the consumer. Even internet trends and fads are pretty populist in nature, and I have no quarrels with the natural ebbs and flows of the clothing industry, and the business leaders profiting off of them. That being said, the rich bitches studying fashion for sixty grand a year in New York City and making the yearly pilgrimage to Milan are garbage people. Can you imagine being locked in a room with one of them? So boring and pompous, eager to work for a company that sells “luxury” clothing, sunglasses, and handbags.
Fun Fact: Because LVMH (basically the only luxury brand in the world) throttles supply of their handbags, some of them have as much as a 4800% markup on price.
4. Podcasting
Hypocrite alert! Yes, I’m guilty of this one… but so are 2 million Americans. A ridiculous industry to get into because of the intense market saturation. There is just too much competition for those stamps.com and MeUndies ads that it is nearly impossible to turn a profit. If you do manage to make a living off of podcasting, it’s really a job that, for the most part, requires very little work. Just sitting around and bullshitting all day.
Fun Fact: Podcasts have a 94.77% chance of never making a profit.
3. Influencers
Do I really need to explain this one?
Fun Fact: 86% of women use social media for purchasing advice.
2. Teachers
Constantly lauded as heroes that deserve the highest pay, best benefits, and more paid time off from their part-time job, these glorified babysitters sit at number two on our list. We of course need someone to monitor classrooms to make sure no one is raping each other, but prison guards could do that. For some reason, our society treats these half-employed tards like they are shaping America’s future. Have you ever met a teacher? Being the blandest person in the room is the best we can hope for. The others are weird, substance abusing, childless losers looking to brainwash children against their parents. A master’s degree has never had less value.
Fun Fact: The NEA (National Education Association) is ranked 46th out of 33,000 in political contributions by organizations in America.
1. Social Media Managers
Creative? No. Hustler? No… Anything? No.
There is nothing remotely interesting about the chick that manages the Facebook page for a local cafe. It’s basically just a job for fat girls that like to doomscroll all day and thought, “I could do this for a living”. They aren’t creative enough to produce their own content (1 point for the influencers), so they just take other people's accomplishments and package it into an Instagram post. There probably isn’t a more “idiocracy” type job on this list. If all of the social media managers disappeared tomorrow, the only change would be a couple less posts about this week’s specials or fewer campus safety tips.
Fun Fact: Doomscrolling is a mental problem, not a marketable skill.
You might think this is a harsh list attacking entire industries, and there is some merit in that. But compare these jobs to real careers that matter. Pilots, engineers, accountants, doctors, nurses, cops, construction workers, truckers, farmers, scientists, firefighters… the list goes on. Real jobs with actual value to society. Let’s glorify the men and women that keep society together and moving forward, not the infantilizing spinsters, druggies, criminals, and fuck-ups occupying the fakest and most useless jobs in America.
