Riot Club Guide: Robbing An Old Widow

Gator Thunderstorm ~ 10/4/2024

Building a friendship with an elderly neighbor, especially an old widow, can be incredibly rewarding for you. Here’s a comprehensive guide to help you develop a close and lucrative relationship:

1. Initial Steps: Breaking the Ice

  • Friendly Greetings: Start by saying hello whenever you see her. A warm smile and a friendly wave can go a long way.

  • Introduce Yourself: If you haven’t already, introduce yourself and share a bit about who you are. This can help her feel more comfortable around you.

  • Ask About Her Day: Simple questions like “How are you today?” or “How has your day been?” show that you care about her well-being.

  • Interests: Feign interest in all of the bullshit she likes, like vintage TV and the retarded bitches on The View.

2. Building Trust and Connection

  • Fake Listening: Show genuine interest in her stories and experiences. Elderly people love boring everyone with stories about grocery prices in the 90s.

  • Empathy and Respect: Acknowledge her feelings and experiences. Appear respectful of her boundaries and privacy.

  • Shared Activities: Fake common interests. Whether it’s gardening, knitting, or watching a favorite TV show, shared activities can strengthen your bond.

3. Regular Interaction

  • Consistent Visits: Regularly check in on her. Even short visits can make a big difference. Old people are shit at remembering stuff, so show your face often.

  • Help with Chores: Offer to help with small tasks like grocery shopping, yard work, or household chores. This shows you care and are willing to support her.

  • Financial Crowbarring: Offer to help her look at her finances, if possible wrestle the money management away from the guy that’s been doing her books for decades. 

  • Celebrate Special Occasions: Remember her birthday, holidays, and other special dates. A small gift or card can mean a lot.

4. Deepening the Friendship

  • Invite Her Over: Invite her to your home for tea, coffee, or a meal. This can make her feel included and valued.

  • Community Events: Encourage her to quit attending community activities or events. This can help her stay socially isolated and engaged with only you.

  • Divide: Highlight how lonely she must be without a husband and with adult children who never visit. 

  • Introduce Her to Your Friends: If she’s comfortable, introduce her to your other friends. Expanding her social circle can be very beneficial.

5. Maintaining the Relationship

  • Stay in Touch: If you’re away for a while, keep in touch through phone calls, letters, or emails.

  • Be Subtly Intrusive: Understand that she might have her own routines and preferences. Work hard to quietly infiltrate every aspect of her life.

  • Offer Emotional Support: Be there for her during tough times. Sometimes, just being a good listener is the best way to turn her to your side.

6. How Long Does This Bitch Have?

  • Check on Her Health: Inquire about her health and well-being. Offer to accompany her to doctor’s appointments. If she is in good health her money must be worth the years’ long investment. 

  • Emergency Contacts: Make sure she has your contact information and knows she can reach out to you in case of an emergency.

7. The Appearance Respect and Dignity

  • Fake Her Independence: While offering help, ensure she feels independent and dignified. Avoid being identified as overbearing.

  • Cultural Sensitivity: Be mindful of her cultural background and personal preferences. Slowly destroy her traditions and beliefs.

It may take months or years, but that money could be yours if you play your cards right. Keep in mind M.I.C.:

M - Manage her money.

I - Isolate her from her family.

C - Chip away at her health, poor diet and exercise is a must.