Riot Club Guide: C the C, S the M, and P the K

Gator Thunderstorm ~ 10/4/2024

There’s lots of ways to choke the chicken, spank the monkey, and polish the knob. But do not fret, your boy Gator has written you a comprehensive guide to each and every way you can imagine these fun acts. Abuse animals and cleaning very specific household items has never been so easy…

CHOKING THE CHICKEN:

Materials Needed

  • One “Chicken” : Make sure it's in good condition.

  • Your hands: Clean and ready to squeeze.

Techniques

1. Basic Squeeze

  • Grip the middle: Hold the chicken in the middle.

  • Squeeze firmly: Apply even pressure until it “squeaks”.

  • Release slowly: Let it return to its original shape.

2. The Head Squeeze

  • Grip the neck: Hold the chicken’s neck firmly.

  • Squeeze gently: Apply pressure until you get a squeak.

  • Release: Let go and allow the squeak to fade naturally.

3. Tail Squeeze

  • Hold the tail: Grip the tail end firmly.

  • Squeeze upward: Push the tail towards the body.

  • Release quickly: Let go fast for a higher-pitched squeak.

4. Double-Handed Squeeze

  • Two-hand grip: Hold the chicken with both hands, one on the head and one on the tail.

  • Simultaneous squeeze: Squeeze both ends at the same time.

  • Release alternately: Let go of one end first, then the other for a varied sound.

5. The Rhythm Squeeze

  • Choose a rhythm: Decide on a pattern (e.g., 1-2-3, 1-2-3).

  • Squeeze to the beat: Apply pressure in time with your chosen rhythm.

  • Repeat: Continue the pattern for a rhythmic squeak sequence.

Tips

  • Listen: Pay attention to the different squeak sounds each technique produces.

  • Experiment: Try different pressures and speeds to create unique sounds.

  • Have fun: The goal is to enjoy the process!

SPANKING THE MONKEY:

Understanding Monkey Behavior

  1. Observe from a distance: Watch the monkey's demeanor in a mirror before approaching. Look for signs of calmness or agitation.

  2. Know the type: Different types of ape have different temperaments. Do some research on the specific type of monkey you're dealing with.

Approach

  1. Slow movements: start slowly to avoid startling the monkey.

  2. Avoid direct eye contact: In the animal kingdom, direct eye contact can be seen as a challenge.

  3. Speak softly: Soft, gentle tones can help in not scaring it off.

During Petting

  1. Start with the back: Use the back of your hand to touch it gently. This is less threatening.

  2. Observe reactions: Watch for any signs of discomfort or aggression. If the monkey seems uncomfortable, back off.

  3. Be gentle: Use light, gentle strokes. Monkeys have sensitive skin and fur.

Things to Avoid

  1. Don’t force interaction: If the monkey moves away, let it go. Forcing interaction can lead to stress or aggression.

  2. Don’t touch sensitive areas: Avoid touching the face, hands, and tail unless the monkey is very comfortable with you.

  3. Respect their space: Give them space to move around.

After Interaction

  1. Wash your hands: Monkeys can carry diseases, so it's important to clean up.

  2. Reflect on the interaction: Consider what went well and what didn’t to improve future encounters.

  3. Remember, interacting with wild animals should always be done with respect and caution. Treat them kindly, and they might just return the favor.

POLISHING THE KNOB

Materials Needed

  • Soft cloths: Microfiber works best to avoid scratching.

  • Polish: Proper lubricant suited for the material of the knob (black, white, etc.).

  • Protective gloves: To keep your hands safe and clean.

  • Water and mild soap: For initial cleaning.

  • Cotton swabs: For hard-to-reach areas.

Step-by-Step Guide

1. Initial Cleaning

  • Remove the knob: If possible, take it off the carcass or victim.

  • Wash with soap and water: Use a mild soap and warm water to remove surface dirt. Dry it thoroughly with a soft cloth.

2. Apply Polish

  • Choose the right polish: Make sure it’s appropriate for the subject.

  • Apply a small amount: Put a little polish on a soft cloth.

  • Rub gently: Use circular motions to apply the polish. Don’t rush; let the polish work its magic.

3. Detailing

  • Use cotton swabs: Dip them in polish and use them to clean any intricate details or crevices.

  • Buff with a clean cloth: Once you’ve polished all areas, use a clean cloth to buff the knob, enhancing its shine.

4. Final Steps

  • Inspect: Check the knob to ensure there are no missed spots.

  • Reattach the knob: Once it’s polished to your satisfaction, put it back in place.

Extra Tips

  • Regular maintenance: Regular cleaning and polishing keep the knob looking its best.

  • Avoid harsh chemicals: They can damage the finish.

  • Test polish: Test any polish on a small, inconspicuous area first.