Partygoer’s Guide To The 4th of July

Sam Sykes ~ 06/26/2024

There’s nothing worse than the shitty dude at the barbecue or party. His ignorance acts as Kevlar against the intense cringe and embarrassment he infects everyone else with. A moron breaking from normalcy can be AIDS to a party, this guide should serve as the cure. Not an AIDS cure like the one in Dallas Buyers Club where McConaughey got real skinny and Jared Leto kept weirding everybody out, but a comprehensive handbook to navigating the barbecue.

Two Parties: Two Stages

The first thing we should establish is that there can actually be two stages to a traditional 4th of July party. The first stage is generally a quite traditional BBQ, grilling, beers, and music, with the over-40 crowd disappearing around sundown. The old dads round up their kids and wine-drunk wives and head home, while the grannys have been home and in bed since six. Parties with older hosts and masses of middle-aged attendees will sometimes be a 1st stage ONLY type of party. To a young person this is the most boring and shit experience. It leaves you standing there at 10pm with your dick in your hand, feeling unfulfilled, stripped of the chance to paint the town red. 


The other type of party has a much younger demographic, but still hosts the traditional 1st stage described above. The crucial difference is the young people left over after the oldies take off. Once there are no parents or grandparents left to disappoint, the fun can begin. Mind you, this is not an invitation to go Project X all over your host, it just means we can take the training wheels off.

Pre-BQ

First off, you should figure out what you’re gonna wear to the BBQ. It doesn’t have to be anything insane like an American flag suit with a matching top hat, but put in some effort. A Sixers t-shirt does not cut it. Gym shorts are a hard no unless you're a 12-year-old or on the treadmill, other than that, invest in some chino, khaki, golf, or cargo shorts. Also, because this comes up a lot, if your girlfriend buys you something just wear it. If the guys make fun of you, so what? You’re getting laid and they’re not. 

You have to resist the urge to pregame. The pregame IS the BBQ and if you start hitting the bottle too early you’ll burnout way before the real fun starts. You also risk embarrassing yourself during the civilized stage one. If you wanna pregame with anything, drink some water, it’s gonna be 85 degrees out. Just take it easy and pull up sober.

Stage One

This stage should be self-explanatory but I will cover it anyways. Firstly, if you get there while the host is setting up… HELP HIM. This excludes chicks, they can sit in the shade and have a glass of wine, but if you’re a dude get off your ass and help out. The host isn’t your fucking employee, get to work. 

If you’re a smoker, figure out where you’re supposed to go to lit one up. It’s not a diner in the fucking 80s, most normal people hate smoking and it can be annoying as shit. At this point, unless you’re actively boozing, smoking is just a habit for the trashiest of trash and the guys who grew up with wealthy daddy issues. In any case, go bond with the other degenerates away from the kids and old people.

It's best practice to avoid hard liquor until stage two if you can help it. Eating some food and sticking to beers for stage one will help you endure the heat and stay cordial longer. Staying (relatively) sober will help you talk to strangers without embarrassing yourself. You should talk to as many people you DON’T know as possible. It can help the BBQ’s vibe tremendously and if you're a guy, plant a few seeds for stage two with a handful of chicks.

Otherwise, behave, and try not to be too much of a fuck-up. Just be normal and as sober as possible.

Stage Two

There’s not going to be some announcement that stage two has begun, you’ll just know when things have loosened up a bit. When the sun sets, the temperatures cool down and the firepit starts to glow. The old people generally disappear suddenly and all together. It’s like they all have the same plane to catch. The average age of the remaining attendees plummets and someone starts yelling “Shots!”.

This is a good opportunity to bond with your newly made friends from stage one, and maybe pursue a seed you planted earlier. Just keep in mind that the fourth is not the best catalyst to fuck a chick. It can happen, but between the heat, summer flings, and patriotism, something keeps home base elusive. Save the holiday fucks for New Years or Blackout Wednesday. 

In Closing,
I really just wrote this for my friends so they know how to behave at my party, but it should provide detailed instructions on how to act for all of our asshole friends.

BONUS: POOL RULES

  • No glass bottles near the pool. If that shit breaks you have to drain it, and that’s a bitch.

  • Stage two welcomes comedic nudity in the pool, but don’t over do it and make it weird. 

  • Bring your own towels. The host doesn’t have 30 fucking towels. And if he does, he doesn't wanna spend the next three weeks washing them. 

  • Be careful which chicks you throw in, sometimes they’re bitches about it. 

  • If you’re a guy, don’t ask where you can change, just find a dark corner in the house or behind the shed or something.