For as long as sports have been played, the jokes about them being scripted have been unrelenting. And as stupid as that thought is (if professional sports leagues were really scripted, we would’ve seen a TLC match for the Super Bowl by now which by the way, would undoubtedly be a five-star classic), it is fun to look at ridiculous scenarios and coincidences that make the different leagues look scripted. 

The NBA and NHL writers are clearly still being affected by the writer’s strike, ‘cause seriously how much lazier could you get? There are some pretty obvious similarities between the two finals, but it goes deeper than some people might realize. Let’s start with the obvious, both top seeds from the east (Celtics & Panthers) go on to face mid-seeded teams from the west (Mavericks & Oilers). Both top seeds go up 3-0 in the finals and it looks like the series is going to be an easy sweep, but then the lower-seeded team comes out in game 4 on home court/ice and dominates to force a game 5 and keep the series alive. Just on the surface, these series are already too similar to each other, but then you dive deeper, and it just confirms the writers hoped no one would care. The teams from the east are loaded with talent and depth and were favorites to win the whole thing (Celtics were favorites and Panthers were 2nd). The east teams both have recently made it to the finals but lost in pretty convincing fashion (4-2 for the Celtics and 4-1 for the Panthers). Then we head west, to see two teams that both employ one of the best players currently in the league (Doncic & McDavid) who are both playing in their first finals and looking for their first taste of Championship gold. Both of these players have clear number 2 options who are also elite players but have been playing shit in the finals to start, although there is at least some parity as Irving played well in game 3 and it took Draisaitl until game 4 to do anything. I mean seriously, how lazy can you get? At least the NFL threw us for a curveball when they decided to switch it up and not let the Super Bowl logo give away the matchup. Ironically, I am sure this will instantly be out of date when one of the teams makes the improbable comeback from being down 0-3 while the other team rolls over and dies. Instant proof I am stupid, but I guess that’s life. Anyways, Celtics & Panthers in 5.

The NFL’s Script Breakdown: Sleepers

We are a month and a half away from NFL football being played again, when on August 1st the Bears and Texans play in the coveted and super prestigious Hall of Fame game! Anyone who is actively excited to spend a summer night watching Tyson Bagent take on Case Keenum, I beg you to seek help. This is not healthy. With the NFL season around the corner and training camp in full effect (I hate training camp with a burning passion, but that’s a song for another day), fantasy football drafts will be here before you know it. Just think, we are mere weeks away from letting a fake team full of random players across the NFL (who don’t know or care about you) impact your daily and weekly life in such a potentially negative way that people will avoid you during the season! Man, the joys of life. One of my favorite things about the fantasy draft season is all the “experts” out there telling you what sleepers are gonna win your league, what big name players are gonna be busts, and why this random 8th string receiver is actually gonna have 1,000 yards and 7 touchdowns. I also love when they tell you a player is a sleeper after they were drafted in the first round and are projected to be one of the top 2 receivers on their team, that’s not a sleeper, that’s common sense. I’ve played fantasy in a variety of different leagues for a good bit of time, and I have one championship win under my belt. And the year I won? I autodrafted. So, I thought to myself “man, wouldn’t it be funny to go find all the projected sleepers for this upcoming year and put them into one list. Where I ridicule it (and maybe like some) and it will either go very right or very wrong”. So that’s what I am gonna do.

Below is a list of some of the sleepers projected to win your fantasy league from some of the more “reputable” sources:

Jaxon Smith-Njigba, SEA WR

Taking the 3rd string receiver on an offense with a new OC is certainly a bold strategy, if you are taking JSN with any intention of him providing real value my guess is you are hoping for a Tyler Lockett injury or major regression.

Jameson Williams, DET WR

No. Just no. This is bad. As someone who kept him on my dynasty roster all last year, don’t do this to yourself. I don’t care if Reynolds left and Williams is listed as the 2nd receiver on the depth chart, he will still be behind in targets from Amon-Ra, LaPorta, and Gibbs. He is also just a deep threat so he is either gonna have a crazy game or put up no points, don’t put yourself through this I beg you.

Darius Slayton, NYG WR

If you are drafting a receiver who will have Daniel Jones or Drew Lock as their QB, they better be really good. Slayton is not, let’s move on.

Bryce Young, CAR QB

This is just a weird one. Even if you think Young will bounce back from an abysmal rookie season, why would you draft him as your QB for fantasy? There are so many better options, unless you play dynasty do not waste your QB pick here.

Kendre Miller, NO RB

I know he had a great end to the season last year, number 1 RB Kamara is getting up there in age, and number 2 RB Williams was generally bad last season. But why are we pretending like this is some workhorse back you can rely on? He hurt his MCL at the end of his college career, then reinjured his knee in preseason, and then suffered a hamstring injury before ending the season with an ankle injury. That’s a lot of injuries for any position, especially a RB. Best case scenario for Miller would be a committee which is a worst-case scenario for fantasy, so do yourself a favor and just avoid the Saints backfield all together.

Ladd McConkey, LAC WR (R)

I will say, I do understand this one. Receiver taken in the high second round coming to a team that just got rid of their top 2 receivers last year, there is certainly an opening. However, it feels more likely that the receivers here are all gonna be mid this year and no one will really provide more than FLEX value at best. But hey, if that’s what you want then go for it.

Keon Coleman, BUF WR (R)

This goes back to the whole “I know this guy was taken in the first round and has a clear-cut shot to be the top receiver on his team but trust me dude he is a sleeper”. No he isn’t, Josh Allen is great and we know they are gonna want to get their first round rookie involved. This is not a sleeper pick and don’t tell people it is. They will beat you up.

Mike Gesicki, CIN TE

Honestly, I love this one. We know the Bengals have an electric offense and Joe Burrow is great. Throw in Tyler Boyd leaving in free agency (and potentially Tee Higgins drama) and Mike Gesicki has a legitimate path to some level of fantasy relevance. He probably won’t be great, but the TE position is always a shit show so there are certainly worse options.

So I guess time will tell if my opinions prove correct and I can rub it in everyone’s face, or if somehow all these sleepers hit, I’ll have to cry myself to sleep again.