Roving bands of bachelorettes, divorcees, bros too lame to party somewhere cool, and even lamer boomers dominate the streets. As you walk along Broadway you hear a different band every 10 steps, all playing from the same 20 song set list. Chris Stapleton, Shania Twain, Morgan Wallen, Garth Brooks, and Zac Brown Band’s awful “Chicken Fried” (to name a few) play in an endless loop from 10am - 2am everyday. When they call it the “Music City” they neglect to inform you that it’s the same shit over and over. 

If you happen to step into any of these themed bars, you’re immediately met with music that is so loud, it will blow your fucking ears out. There’s no escaping to the other floors as each one is somehow louder and shittier than the last. I don’t know if anyone could like music enough to tolerate Nashville for more than a few hours. To be fair, this could be fun for a night out with the boys, especially if you don't need to take out a loan every time you pay the tab. But it’s mostly an annoyance. The restaurant groups shelling out millions to famous musicians for their name and likeness make sure the bands inundate tourists with whoever's name graces the front door.

On A Positive Note:

It’s not all bad. There’s a bunch of bums walking around that no one pays attention to. Every so often some mom from Minnesota tosses one a pretzel and drops a “God bless you”,  but they are mostly ignored and kept in line. The police presence is a nice change of pace from most other cities in America that are filled with human-garbage and random violence. But don’t worry, Nashville is importing more than enough “Blue” Yorkers and the like, so the clock is ticking. 

The rooftop bars are also a nice reprieve from the crazy loud music. This seems to be where most of the authentic partiers hangout. For whatever reason there seems to be a pretty concrete hierarchy in the quintessential Broadway bars. The older people sit still and mostly motionless on the first floor. When I say older, I mean WAY older, we’re talking 60 minimum with a glass of white wine. The second floor usually has a band that is clearly the “B” team, but still pretty decent. This floor has our middle aged people and old people that realized there was a working elevator. This is where a lot of the divorced ladies and 20-year anniversary couples tend to hang out. The rooftop floor is always the most fun. Mostly young people jamming out to a pretty rough around the edges, but inexperienced(in a good way) band. They do not seem beholden to the same redundant setlist or they simply just don’t care. Either way, it’s fine with me. Sometimes the older guys that belong on the second floor discover the rooftop and that can be fun to watch. They dance and hit on 20-year-old girls, and can be surprisingly successful in their pursuits.  

I think most onlookers would shit on these guys as creepy, but at least they have the balls and charisma to shoot their shot. Some bigger bars like Kid Rock’s break away from this slightly, but in general hold to the hierarchy.

Also, the BBQ is pretty stellar, and most of the food off the strip is pretty good as well. There’s a healthy number of authentic BBQ joints. Just two black dudes selling the classics, various smoked meats and your choice of cornbread, green beans, etc. 

Just Don’t Go:

Nashville is fine but mostly sucks. If you’re a young guy looking to party, sack up and go to Florida or Vegas. Not Nerf-ville.

THE SHIT LIST:

• No Draft Beer

• Ray Charles’ Bust

• Nashville Hot Chicken (overrated)

• Dudes that dress like cowboys while visiting (chicks only)

• Every Blonde Chick walking around with a guitar case trying to “Make It”

• Exposed Brick and Neon Signs

• Too Many Bums

THE GOOD STUFF:

• BBQ

• Airport is like 10 minutes from Downtown

• No Subway Slashings or Random Sex Attacks

• There’s Booze Everywhere

• It’s the one tourist area in America without a Ben & Jerry’s store (Their Ice Cream Sucks and they love cop killers, child labor, and stealing Native American land. Google it.)